The Gift Guide For Sinners

By Tracie Egan Morrissey | December 20, 2010 | 9:40pm

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As Maude so wisely said, “Vice, virtue—it’s best not to be too moral. You cheat yourself out of too much life.” So here are some vice-themed gifts for the naughty that are cooler than coal.

The Obamarator

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How’s this for a stimulus package? With multi-speed settings, yes he can for $19.99 (or 5 for $99 with the “Family and Friends Package”).

Christmas Drinking Glove

This is really the perfect gift for someone who loves beer, Christmas, and seasonal novelty items. And, at only $5.99, it’s the perfect gift for cheap gifters.

Hello Kitty Bong

Standing at 15″ tall, and probably not approved by Sanrio, this pink water pipe is the perfect gateway bong for that special little girl in your life. Kidding! Little boys can use it, too. Kidding, God! It’s $95, which is apparently worth it, according to “Boo” the one user who reviewed the bong at Pizbi Smoke shop: “Besides the fact that it has Hello Kitty on it, this water pipe hits and clears really nice!” How much more convincing do you need?

Vice Canisters

This pottery collection of Jonathan Adler canisters ($28 – $135; each sold separately) will help organize life for even the cloudiest of pillheads. Or they can be used to hold flour and sugar and all that crap.

The WineRack

Honestly, this booze holder—concealed in a sports bra, attached to an elongated straw—is the gift that keep on giving. Just think of how much the lucky lady who receives this will save on alcohol all year round. Additionally, the seller promises that it will give the appearance of larger breasts, even after the liquor has been imbibed. So there you go: An instant boob job for $29.95.

Book Flask

However, if you know someone who is more interested in showing off their brains instead of their boobs, perhaps this ceramic flask—shaped like a book ($19.95)—is a better fit. It’ll help them be alcoholics just like their favorite writers!

The Chilly Willy Kit

Stressed about what to get your favorite environmentally-conscious pervert? Well, look no further. For $18.62, The Chilly Willy Kit comes equipped with everything one would need to grow penis-shaped chili peppers. And with a reusable plastic green house (made from recycled products), the red peppers will also be green.

Ron Jeremy Rolling Papers

Billed as “a paper that will handle any load,” the porn star found perhaps a much more appealing way to whore himself out. And cheaply too: $1.95 per pack.

Nude Male Playing Cards

Oh boy, where to begin? Bottom pair, come hand, short stack, spread limit, big full, straddle…whatever the terms, they’ll poker well. (That’s what she said.)

Pot Holder

The only thing stoners like more than marijuana is food. So why not get your weedhead friend some cooking paraphernalia? After all, $9.95 is a small price to pay to avoid a culinary injury while baking some special brownies.

Snuff Spoon Charm

It looks like there are only one of these out there, but it was too amazing to not include, as someone needs to own this 14k-gold, mid-century, vintage naked lady charm. For $145, who ever will receive this will easily be the classiest gal doing a bump in the bar bathroom.