The Existential Question of This Perfect Bed

Working from home for the past year has made me realize that I am strict about how “work” should be done, especially now that my home is my office, my club, my spa, and my rec room. I sit at a desk to work, and sometimes “treat” myself to the soft pleasures of my worn-out sofa, but never have I worked from bed. However, that would change immediately if I were lucky enough to have this bed, the Uber Bed, in my home.

I saw this bed in a tweet from Wall Street Journal technology reporter Christopher Mims, who raised some concerns about the bed’s production, conception, and marketing.

Though I do not know Mims personally, I automatically reject the implication that there’s anything bad about this bed. Yes, it goes completely against current trends in interior design, in that it looks like the result of a tryst between a gamer chair and a Serta Sleep Number bed. It’s enormous, it has too many extra things attached to it, there’s a Bluetooth speaker built in, and it seems like it is confusing to enter. Also, what this tweet is suggesting is that this bed is tacky, but my counter argument is that, yeah, it is, and so what?

This is a bed that is dedicated to sloth in every form. According to the informative video I watched, the bed also has a safe, many storage options, a desk, and, crucially, a massage chair of the sort that you encounter at the nail salon attached to the bed itself. This is a bed for a glamorous invalid, or for me, a woman whose back hurts from this goddamn desk chair and would like to “work” reclining as if I were flying first class to Dubai for just one to three days out of the week.

Again—I understand that this bed is hideous, but I reiterate once more that it doesn’t matter. This would be like the biggest and best surprise in the master suite of a McMansion AirBnb in Colorado—one that also had a master bath with a deep Jacuzzi tub and maybe, if you were lucky, a TV. It’s perfect for my needs, which are to feel coddled, but it is also over $2,000, which is less ideal. But! The bed is a decent solution for small space living, especially if you have a studio with just enough space to accommodate furniture of this size and nothing more.

If this bed were yours, you could do basically everything you needed to do from it, eliminating the need for a couch and a bed and a coffee table and a side table and maybe a credenza. The bed has got it all, folks, and even if the idea of eating food in bed grosses you out, you have the option of pivoting to your lounge chair in the front, to eat your eggplant parm and watch your stories. I know that this is essentially a love letter to a bed that is a souped-up version of those little pods in Wall-E, but after an entire year of dealing with numbing sameness, it would be nice to feel something different. That is this bed. It’s perfect.