In discussions of eating disorders and other mental illnesses, one topic often goes unmentioned: dating. To find out more about the complicated intersection of relationships and recovery, we talked to some people who’d been there.
Carrie Arnold of ED Bites, who was first diagnosed with anorexia in 2001, wrote in August that her treatment team had encouraged her to explore dating, in part as a way to combat “this core self-belief that, basically, I suck.” When we spoke on the phone, she said that when she was actively eating disordered, “I was in survival mode, so [dating] wasn’t even on my radar.” But she’s been doing well in recovery for about a year, and she said that as she worked with her therapist and toned down the rigidity of some of her routines, “it became a possibility that maybe I was healthy enough and not-crazy enough to drive anyone away immediately.” Challenges remain, however. Arnold explained,
The eating disorder made me a very, very solitary person, and I was living alone through the majority of the eating disorder, and so I haven’t had to worry about what other people might think of me and my routines, and having to be flexible to allow other people’s input. I ate what I would let myself at very prescribed times, and so if it was at six o’clock and someone wanted to meet for dinner at 6:30, well that was just too bad. A lot of it was just […] taking into account what other people think and feel and everything, because the eating disorder is just so selfish.
Tiptoe of Between Living and Existing described some other difficulties — she says that when she was actively bulimic, “I really had issues with people watching me eat, so that made it tough going on dates. I was highly worried that my date would be looking at what I ate or didn’t eat.” She adds, “another challenge was my body consciousness. Due to past negative experiences, I was always worried about any type of physical intimacy, even a simple touch.” Now that she’s recovering, though, “I’m much more comfortable with people watching me eat […] The focus is less on food and more on the person.”
Eating disorders aren’t the only mental illnesses that can complicate dating. Meggy Wang of The Novelist’s Hubris, whose primary diagnoses are bipolar and generalized anxiety disorder, told me that before she began dating her now-husband, “mental illness provided a kind of definition to the way I chose who I wanted to date. The way I understood it, only another person with a mental illness could understand my unique situation, and as a result, I wound up with a lot of troubled partners.” And she shed light on another important issue: that of disclosure.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
