The Cosmo Misery Quiz: How Hot Dogs Can Predict The Future Of Your Relationship

With its overconfident predictions (if your man likes chili, he’ll love a deep massage) and its every-answer-is-the-right-answer optimism, the Cosmo Couple Quiz just makes life seem a little too easy.

That’s why we’ve created the Cosmo Misery Quiz, with advice more appropriate to the cold, dark world beyond the pages of Cosmo. Take a look at the hot dogs below (from Cosmo‘s actual quiz). Pick your favorite. Then tell your guy to pick his (or, if you’re a Cosmo girl, subtly manipulate him into doing so using mind games and body-language and infinitesimal body-language cues). Finally, scroll to the bottom for our analysis of your choices.

With Ketchup and/or Mustard
You lead lives of conformism and quiet desperation. He is gay, while you are using him to fulfill society’s demand that you be in a relationship.

With Sauerkraut and Mustard
You’re totally incompatible, but stay together out of sheer inertia. You will one day marry and have children who blame their inability to sustain relationships on your vicious bickering and/or icy, passive-aggressive politeness.

With Chili
Though your mixed-race relationship seems great now, the deep-seated prejudices you both unconsciously cherish will eventually drive you apart.

With the Works
He had sex with your mom.