
When faced with a task that is either unpleasant, tiresome, strenuous, or mentally taxing in any way, I repeat to myself a mantra of sorts. Itâs a phrase that floats in the back of my head that has informed my general outlook, and one that, at first blush, is rather bleak: âIf I die, I die.â
The phraseâs originator is my motherâ a small, tenacious, and willfully obstinate woman who will likely read this piece and tell me that I got it all wrong. That doesnât matter. What does is that her catchphrase âIf I die, I dieâ has become a valuable life philosophy that I have embraced with vigor. If I die, I die isnât about death, reallyâitâs about seizing LIFE by its metaphorical undercarriage and trudging forward to do the things we must do to press on.
Saying âIf I die, I dieâ in response to someone telling me that I should reconsider the romaine lettuce in my salad due to e. coli is flip, dramatic, but it is also practical. I donât expect to die from swimming in the ocean after eating a chicken parm and drinking a lot of iced tea, but I do know that death is a possibility in literally everything I do! Itâs a more dramatic que sera, sera, an amped-up âWhatever happens, happensââacknowledging that there are many things beyond our control, and to try and stop them is entirely futile.
She will say this to me and my three sisters for dramatic effectâif someone asks her to be careful when doing something or to listen to us when we beg her to just stay near us on the subway platform during her yearly visit to New York, so that we donât lose her. âIf I die, I die,â she says, waving her hand and walking off. âSo what?â
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We will all eventually dieânot right now, maybe, and probably not tomorrowâ but itâs coming. Best to sit with that information and accept it, because the sooner you can do that, life becomes that much more free. Itâs not morbid, really, but it is a teensy bit Buddhistâan influence that I suspected after realizing that my grandmother is religious and some of that mustâve rubbed off on my mom, a woman who doesnât really seem to believe in God, but does believe very much in living life in spite of deathâs icy grip.
She confirmed as much when I called her on the phone to ask her about the phrase thatâs stuck with me for so long. When asked if there was a strict definition of what it means to her, she said, âNot particularly. Because people say thatâIf I die, I die.â Never mind that I have never heard this said by anyone else in such an explicit and melodramatic fashion. My mother seems to think that this phrase is a well-established part of life, just as death itself. And that, to me, is kind of sweet.
Try it the next time youâre in a pickle where your brain has found itself jumping from conclusion to conclusion, anticipating the future in a way that is counterproductive and panic-inducing. Will you find a new job or lose your current one? What happens if that thing on your wrist that you think is just a lilâ freckle turns out to be cancer? Whenâs the Big One gonna hit?? Endlessly speculating the answers to these questions isnât entirely helpful. The future is unknowable, so babe, stop worrying yourself sick. Instead, square your shoulders and go out into the world, telling yourself with confidence, âIf I die, I die.â
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