The Bachelorette by the Numbers, Episode 3

I’m not really sure what to say. I mean, by all accounts this should have been a particularly exciting episode. We had lying and fighting and injuries and hurricanes and tears… One guy even said he’s been in love with “many men.”* It was a veritable hodgepodge of riveting moments!

And yet I was bored (?) Maybe it was just exhaustion from my semi-private concert by Kate Earl. But I think it was most likely because the liar’s lie didn’t really make any sense and his ex/current/OliviaMunnIsThatYou girlfriend is a blazer-ed bundle of bananas foster. (What? It’s on fire.) Or that the fighting was really just fake fighting and cat fighting and the hurricane was just wind. I kinda almost found myself adjacent to the experience of not enjoying The Bachelorette. This revelation could really force me to panic. Thank goodness we’ve got the Spanish-cowboy-angel that Is Juan Pablo to keep the fire alive…

Muchos gracias, mi amor.

16: Potential suitors

3: “Dates”

1: Number of places in the world that consider “throwing balls at each other” the definition of a “date.” (…..I’m really holding back here, FYI.)

0: Members of the National Dodgeball League to ever be invited into a fantasy suite of any kind.

30: Meters that my heart plummeted when I saw Chris Harrison UNPROTECTED on the battlefield.

0: People who told me there was a Bachelorette dodgeball game happening in LA. (Everyoneis dead to me.)

2: Networks that could easily feature the line “It’s so fun to watch big grown men in tiny little shorts.” (Rhymes with “Fravo.”)

4: The number that comes before “3, 2, 1…Dodgeball!” (It’s not a thing, Chris.)

A gajillion: Alternate sports Desiree could have chosen that would make us believe that the assertion, “I didn’t want to see any of the guys get hurt.”

9: Fingers remaining on your hands. Chill your shit, Brooks.

1: Toast he didn’t deserve: “To Brooks for taking a finger.” (Also, though…What?)

2: Single dads! Super casual reveal there, Brad.

7: Item number in The Bachelorette Charter that reads, “All suitors must open up about a trauma in their past, real or imaginary.”

4: O’s in “voodoo.” Because how else could Other Chris know that the best view in the building was on the roof?!

’97: Last time I heard a “Dream Phone” performance quite like Chris Harrison’s heads-up call to Des.

2: Words that couldn’t have possibly been Brian’s actual first reaction to seeing his girlfriend there. = “Oh jeez!”

3: Syllables in the name of the protagonist in tonight’s performance of “Don’t You Care About Donovan?”

2: Things that are totally different = “a business meeting” and “a convention.” Get it straight, Steph.

30: Octaves too high, Steph.

48: Hours after he and Stephanie banged that Brian arrived at the mansion.

5: “I”’s in “Oh no he diiiiidn’t.”

Un: -comfortable, Brandon. You are crying a lot and it is making me uncomfortable.

100: Percent of people in my gallup poll who believe the best way to evade a windstorm is to, ya know, just go for a dip.

1: Movie that clearly should target a large demographic of Bachelorette viewers.

3: Cups of Hot-Damn in Juan Pablo’s “recipe for pasta.”

1: Example of how bored I was the minute Des stopped making out with Juan Pablo. Remember that Sensodyne commercial they played? Cuz I do.

0: The shape of my mouth when I realized they were having a POOL PARTY instead of the COCKTAIL PARTY. It’s anarchy, people. And too much “daytime pressure.”

: People in your “dad zone” who should ever want to make out with you. Ew.

1: New creed I must now abide by = “You just can’t unscramble that Egg.” – Michael G(o-d?)

– 3000: Tank tops that should ever be manufactured in the same shape of Ben’s upside-down-jockstrap-wife-beater.

40: Numbers of crystallized blue apple Jolly Ranchers necessary to make Des’s dress for the rose ceremony.

1: Sad, sad Brandon getting sad, sad abrandoned.

Infinity: Years of psychotherapy necessary to address Brandon’s statement, “Once again, someone left me.”

1: More thing before I pass out from boredom…
How much does “Dream Phone” go for on the black market?

*The implication was that this wasn’t a romantic “love.” Because these were his “step-fathers.”