Yes, ABC, yes.
You did it. You said you would do it and you did it.
You promised us the “the most dramatic finahhlee ever” for the 3065th season in a row, and you finally—FINALLY—delivered.
You see, it went like this: Des was all, “I’m only in love with one guy but I’m not allowed to say it so I’m just gonna sleep with the other two.” Meanwhile, Brooks was all, “I didn’t fall in love with you in the allotted duration so I’m gonna rip your heart from your body now.” And Des was all, “I don’t care that you just broke my heart, I love you.”* And Brooks is all, “Long hair, don’t care.” But CH was all, “I want to talk about Brooks’s parents until I squint so hard my eyes disappear.” So, obviously, we’re all, like, sitting-on-a-dock, hangin’-in-the-forest, having hardcore feelings and we’ve only got one episode left and it just started getting good and no one will give my boy his sunglasses and…It’s really just a lot to take in.
It’s a good thing quantifying soothes me so.
3: Potential suitors.
2: Potential baby daddies.
3: Total times we’ve now watched certain scenes from this show, thanks to back-to-back episodes featuring repetitive montages.
9: Weeks that horse we’re beating has been dead.
1: Voice-over that could’ve easily started with “Last week, on Laguna Beach…”
2: Ways to say, “Damnnnn, boy.” That or: “The caliber of Drew’s looks are off the charts.”
100: Times we’ve been forced to hear the “finish line” analogy. Stop that.
1: Thought Drew probably could’ve kept in his head, re: Antigua: “I didn’t even know this place existed!”
4: Things Des loves about Drew: “His abs, his eyes, his face, his body.”
2: Times Drew and Des have stumbled upon a spontaneous jam sesh on a city street. What are the odds!
1: Maxim to live by, courtesy of Desiree: “It’s not about the dinner or where the dinner is.”
1: Conclusion I have come to = Drew is not a human but a beautiful love robot.
1 of 2: Ways Bachelorette contestants spin the phrase, “I just wanna do you.” = “The fantasy suite is the perfect place for us to…be ourselves.” – Drew
35: Estimated number of rose petals on this bed. Seems like an act of violence.
1: Line recited by Des before sleeping with Drew that had to have been stolen from Boyz II Men = “I just wanna give him the world.”
1: Thing Brooks said that I hope is never said about anyone else in the history of ever = “The idea of proposing to her at the end of this makes me really uncomfortable.”
1: Thing Chris said that I hoped would never be said by anyone else after Savage Garden said it = “I’m truly, madly, deeply in love.”
116: Tassels on Desiree’s rope vest. But why.
Unlimited: Free helicopter rides for CH for eternity.
1: Shade of either blue or green that Chris can identify = “teal.”
1: Shade of either blue or green that Chris meant to say = “turquoise.”
One trillion: Different settings in which a contestant on this show has said, “It doesn’t get more romantic than this.”
0: Picnics I ever want to see again.
A million: Amphibious make-outs I will, however, allow.
1: New adjective this week = “Vibrant.” Way to go, Chris!
2: Times we had to hear the word “easiness” to know you two were destined for a Fantasy Suite.
2 of 2: Ways Bachelorette contestants spin the phrase, “I just wanna do you.” = “I think it is a great opportunity to spend more time with you and, if it were to happen, I’d definitely want to watch the stars.”
-27: Poems I ever want to hear on this show ever again.
1: Number of said poems that was actually just a letter called a “poem.”
1: Number of said letters that totally got Chris lucky.
10: Weeks that have been called, “the most pivotal week.”
24 lbs: Weight that is heavy. Like Brooks’s heart.
5: Bars of sad, tinkling piano it takes to get the drift.
TOO MANY: Aired minutes of Desiree telling us how excited she is for this date. It’s just cruel.
SERIOUSLY. STOP.: “I’m in love with Brooks and I miss him everyday that I’m not with him. It feels good because I haven’t been in love in quite a while.”
2: Number of legs Desiree definitely regrets draping on Brooks at this very moment.
3: Maximum number of minutes Brooks should have taken to rip this Band-Aid off.
Infinity: Actual number of minutes Brooks took to sink this burning ship.
1: Line that broke my heart = “I miss you everyday.”
1: Line that took said pieces of my heart and ate them = “It just sucks that I loved you.”
1: Line that took the pieces of my heart, ate them, and threw them up on my soul = “I mean, I know what love feels like. I guess I just don’t know what it feels like for it to be reciprocated.”
1: Line that brought me back to neutral = “I told you I was running! And after that, I knew I was at the finish line.”
5 to 4: Majority vote that elected to put fake heartbeats in tonight’s soundtrack.
1 to 1: Ratio of silver linings per cloud, tonight’s being that Des is wearing the perfect flowy top for the fetal crouch. Bright side!
0 in 100: Odds that Brooks would come out of this looking good. And yet…
4: As in, “BROOKS 4 BACHELOR.”
NEXT WEEK, YOU GUYS!
*That one was actually said on the show.
Image via ABC.