On Monday night, two Jezebel staffers with varying degrees of encyclopedic knowledge about the modern Bachelor universe watched the fifth episode of Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor. The wine was poured, and the virgin jokes flowed. This is their story.
Maria: It’s week five, baby! We’re at this season’s halfway point, which is great, because I need my life back.
Last night, after only one episode in Singapore, the gang heads to Khao Lak, Thailand. Heather, who eagerly awaits her first kiss, scores the first one-on-one date. She and Colton hop on some long-tail boats, feed each other noodles, blow kisses and then share real kisses. (Who saw that one coming?) I could’ve gone without all the zoomed-in close-ups of their mouths, which for some reason kept happening throughout the episode? Does the Bachelor have an oral fixation now?
I still think Heather’s lying about the whole never-been-smooched thing, which makes sense considering she exclaimed, “I have kissed a boy, it literally felt so natural,” after their make-out session. No one is good their first time, and I’d put money on the fact that no one has ever thought “that felt so natural” after losing their tongue wrestling virginity. Colton also said it was “magical” and then dragged her with “You are definitely someone I could... respect,” so, either he is lying about the quality of the kiss, or she’s lying about having never done it before. I’m a Bachelor truther.
When the day is done and Heather returns to tell the other women about her first time doing mouth-to-mouth, Elyse up and leaves the room, walks across the beach and knocks on Colton’s door. There, in tears, she tells him, “I can’t accept a proposal after a few months of sharing your time and attention with other people,” and promptly leaves the show. She was too good for him, but I loved her, and that sucks for me. The next day, puffy-faced and watery-eyed, Colton the vlogger returns and tells the camera he’s heartbroken because, “I don’t give up in relationships,” to which I say: Tia is shaking.
Lisa: I’m sorry but there is actually no chance that Heather dated someone for eight months and has never been kissed. Something is up in Bachelor Nation.
Elyse leaving left a hole in my cold little heart, but also why does no one on this season seem to have any grasp of what competing on the Bachelor actually entails? Do some research, please, we don’t have time for this.
On the group date, the ladies test their survival skills by eating bugs and smelling elephant poop in the jungle, which we all know are essential skills for a long-lasting marriage. Hannah B. is the only one who actually eats a grub, which gets her back on my good side after the Caelynn drama last week. When the girls are split into teams to find resources, Hannah B., Hannah G. and Demi leave the jungle and come back with burgers and champagne while the other women are left eating slugs and plants. Iconic.
During the night portion of the group date, some bizarre non-drama unfolds with Onyeka and Nicole because Elyse apparently told Onyeka before she left that Nicole was here for the wrong reasons. After Onyeka tattles to Colton, she learns from Tayshia that what she heard was an exaggeration, but she still refuses to correct the record for the entire episode. I had some trouble following what was even going on at that point, but I know it was annoying and now they both have got to go.
Maria: The group date was a bit too Fear Factor for my taste—Hannah B. scored the group date rose, presumably because she housed a grub. Which reminds me: where’s Caelynn? She was hardly in this week’s episode at all.
Cassie, who I’ve clocked to win this season since the premiere, gets the next one-on-on date. It is essentially the same date as Heather’s (a boat trip) but instead downing noodles they land on a “private island,” which is really just a sand barge. Their chemistry is the hottest and heaviest so far—at one point, Cassie climbs into bed with Colton for a make-out and cuddle, and he says things like, “That just shows how comfortable we are with each other,” and “I just want you to know, I’m crazy about you.” Colton’s love language is definitely words of affirmation; the boy is horny for compliments.
Back at the resort, the Nicole and Onyeka drama continues. We see them scream at each other (Onyeka says things like “I would never call anyone mentally unstable” followed by “Nicole is literally a psycho,”) to the extent that Colton comes over to try and mediate only to immediately ditch them? What was that? Is he allergic to confrontation? Does he live for the drama? What did you think of that especially cringe-y scene?
Lisa: Onyeka denies calling Nicole mentally unstable, but doesn’t deny questioning her emotional stability, which is basically the same thing? Onyeka’s strategy really seems to be to start drama and then deny, deny, deny. I do think you were right that Colton secretly loves the drama. When he paused his conversation with Katie to listen to Nicole and Onyeka bicker, he looked like he was enjoying himself more than during the actual conversation.
I have to say that I spent the entire episode anxiously waiting for the moment ABC has been teasing all season when Colton exasperatedly hops over a fence. It never happened and the fact we were left with a “TO BE CONTINUED” right before it was DEFINITELY ABOUT TO HAPPEN is extremely rude. I am foaming at the mouth for this fence. If it doesn’t happen in the first 10 minutes of next week’s episode, I’m hopping over the proverbial Bachelor fence and quitting this show. Just kidding, I’m bound to this train wreck.
Maria: Neither of us will know joy again until the fence hopping hits our screens. I’d trade in every episode’s opening shot of Colton showering, dosed in a baptismal bath, for it any day. Until then: the next elimination is imminent, and Nicole and Onyeka should know their days on the show are numbered. The Bachelor franchise loves to pit women of color against one another, and they never win.