Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

The Asteroid Comes For Beloved Dinos Megan Reynolds And Kelly Faircloth

Farewell to two of the best to ever do it for this website

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It’s not every day one is able to observe literal dinosaurs roaming the earth, but for the last few years, the hallowed halls of Jezebel have been stalked by venerable stegosauruses Megan Reynolds and Kelly Faircloth who have now chosen to drag their bones elsewhere. As writers and editors, Megan and Kelly have been responsible for some of the best, most deranged, and cancel-worthy content this site has ever or will ever see.

Who can forget where they were the day Megan explained exactly how and why she would fuck an entire baseball team? And in the spirit of openly discussing fucking, Kelly’s epistle on monsterfucking will go down in history for both its weirdness and its earnest appreciation of cross-species romance novels.

But more than cogs in the Jezebel machine, these two people have been pivotal in shaping the youngish near middle-aged writers that came after them. All of whom could not be reached for comment because they could not recall ever having worked with either Megan or Kelly but send their best wishes on any and all future endeavors.

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Here is how Megan and Kelly’s (not) nearest and dearest will remember them.

Emily Leibert, Staff Writer

Megan taught me that cool internet girls laugh like this akskskajsksksk. No, but for real, glad you’re leaving. Your talents are wasted as a blogger. Standup slack comedy is calling your name instead. (admire u so much don’t forget me BYE)

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I knew Kelly was my dream editor when she agreed that a photo of a taxidermy fox with a needle coming out of its eye was perfect for a gift guide. Hate her for leaving but love her for being the smartest person I know. Farewell, I guess, enjoy tea with the Duchess.

Jennifer Perry, Senior Video Producer

Saying goodbye to Kelly, one of Jezebel’s original moms, is so hard. Her contributions—like showing us the very compelling way medieval people walk— remain unmatched. I will miss all the days we spent examining royal family drama, but am so thankful I had the opportunity to work with you.

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Megan Reynolds is my favorite person to talk trash with. I’ve learned to accept my role as a cranky, old auntie because of our times together. I’ve always appreciated your willingness to go the extra mile for the cause. You’ll always be the Patti to my Aretha and I wish you only the best.

Gabrielle Bruney, Staff Writer

I sadly didn’t get the chance to work with you long enough to roast you, but I wish you well, whoever you are.

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But for real—I feel like I’ve known you both for way longer than a few weeks because I’ve been a fan of your posts for years. You’re both such smart and funny writers and editors, and your Slack banter is truly top tier. It’s tough to see you go, but I can’t wait to see what you both do next.

Kylie Cheung, Senior Writer

I consider myself supremely blessed to have had the opportunity to work with Megan, even if for only a short time. Megan is basically an all-seeing prophet with immense powers of prediction — can you imagine where society would be if she’d focused those powers on the pandemic or the ’08 economy instead of, say, the fates of SATC characters. In seriousness, I’ve loved working with Megan so much because she is undoubtedly among the funniest people on the internet, where her competitors include some of the great comedic legends, like Bean Dad, the OK Boomer Girl, and the woman who breastfed her cat on an airplane.

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I’m truly honored to have worked with Kelly, who is basically a member of the royal family if the royal family includes the people obsessively following them around taking pictures. There is almost nothing I can think of to “roast” Kelly on because she’s simply too cool — a historian, a pop culture librarian, a brilliant editor, all in one, she has basically all of the qualities and interests of the stereotypical most popular kids in a high school TV show. I’ve truly loved working with and learning from Kelly so much, and the royals are truly lucky to be her obsession of choice!

Emily Alford, That’s Dr. Alford To You

While I generally dislike roasts that are carpet burns at best, I have nothing scorching to say about my work wife Megan Reynolds because she has the same access to the screenshots of our roughly 10,000 hours of typed conversations that I do and cross-cancellation is still cancellation. Additionally, as we have proven time and time again in our groundbreaking series “Sounds Right to Me” she and I nearly always agree and are always correct when we do so. But I will say her opinions on pandas are bad and to this point, she will remain incorrect as long as she refuses to hear reason.

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Kelly, unfortunately, cannot be roasted because all of her opinions are good. She enjoys the best adaptation of Emma, her Werewolf porn investigative journalism deserves Pulitzers in several genres, and she understands innately that All Creatures Great and Small is the only good television program. Plus she was the first person to ever allow me to be unabashedly horny on the blog and the last person to help me be inexplicably furious over a character on a television program that ended over two decades ago.

I would say I will miss the two most unsettlingly horny people I’ve ever met, despite the fact that the depth and breadth of their depravity seem to be limitless, encompassing even Mr. Peanut, but for the fact that I will miss that very depravity most of all.

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Corey Townsend, The Man Who Interviewed Rihanna Three Times

What can I say about Megan that hasn’t been said as a warning from the Bible?

If you’re not liked by her, then it’s likely because you’re a horrid human or it is likely because she’s skipped lunch and you caught her on a bad hour.

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She has a laugh that brightens up a room, but we’re going to ignore the fact that it may be because of someone’s demise. She’s a ball of light that illuminates your existence, but we’re also going to ignore that it could be compared to a forest fire that’ll eradicate your existence.

She’s one of the best to ever do it, and your life will be lacking on a day-to-day basis without her presence.

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Shannon Melero, Staff Writer

One time Megan purposely left me out of a work group text during a rather secretive time and I had to genuinely ask her if she hated me. It’s still unclear what the answer to that question is but I suppose life must have its mysteries. Other than that I can’t think of anything to say about Megan other than she really helped me grow into the insufferable bitch I never dreamed I could be. In closing, that picture of her cat in the New York Times is heavily face-tuned and it’s time to expose that hoe.

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As for Ms. Kelly there is no one on the face of this earth I envy as much as she who can recite the entire lineage of the Windsor family going back farther than Queen Victoria. Other than her talent for remembering anything and everything about the various incestuous royal families of Europe, Kelly should also be lauded for her brutal honesty about motherhood and its trials which have prevented me from bearing children for the last two years.

Ruben Urena, Jezebel Husband, Megan’s Archnemesis

I’m glad I don’t have to read anymore of that woman’s bad HGTV opinions. Kelly’s takes are better.

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Laura Bassett, Editor in Chief

Megan and Kelly are the very DNA of this website and I still have not processed their departure. I will never forget Megan’s hilarious missive against shackets, which make her look as if she might burst into song, and her heady meditations on whether she would fuck this ripped beluga whale and Slimer. And Jezebel will never be the same without Kelly’s alarmingly deep and specific knowledge of the Royals.

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I’m lucky to have overlapped with these two geniuses and kind souls even for just a few months. I’m going to miss their very weird brains and perfect senses of humor, Megan overusing the word “nasty,” oh god I’m crying again.

Jenna Amatulli, Deputy Editor

Kelly’s encyclopedic and borderline unhinged knowledge of anything pertaining to Hallmark movies or the Royals makes her an indispensable editor and person to know. I’m already saddened to not have gotten to work alongside her for more than, uh, five minutes, but her mark is still indelible. May ScaryMommy reap the benefits of her monster romance-obsessed brain while we all watch from afar with jealousy and regret.

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No one has roasted me harder than Megan herself roasted me during my first two weeks at Jez. Underneath her coats and sweaters knitted in nihilism, Megan has—in such a short time—managed to embed herself in my heart as a big sister type that I’m not immediately willing to part with. Consider this my rejection of your resignation. Sure, I will begrudgingly read your work elsewhere, but don’t assume you will rid me from your life because you’re leaving!!!

Ashley Reese, Senior Writer

Kelly is impossible to roast because she’s unfailingly kind, and somehow she approaches every single old white lady hobby of hers in a way that makes them vaguely interesting. Did I give a fuck about the royal family before knowing Kelly? No, and I still don’t CARE care about them, but I care about her takes on them, because she knows those freaks better than anyone (ITV is shaking). And do I read romance novels now? No, but I would literally pay to have Kelly ramble about the history of bodice rippers and stories about monster fucking. Kelly is a great editor with good instincts, but more than anything, underneath the unassuming exterior, Kelly is a big ol’ freak, and I hope she terrorizes her next workplace with tales of Minotaur fucking.

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What can I say about this jaded ass bitch, Megan? I love her, but…you know how there are those people who can see the bright side of everything? Megan has a dementor-like ability to see the exact opposite, which would make her a bummer to be around if she didn’t also manage to make me laugh through the pain. As an optimist to a fault, you need someone like that! And this doesn’t negate the fact that Megan is fiercely loyal and caring when it comes to her friends and family. When you’re in a bind or need help, Megan goes into mom mode and becomes the ultimate fixer. But more importantly, Megan tolerates all the shitposts I send her on Instagram. THAT is what friends are for!