The 31 Best Carbohydrates Ever

Everyone’s so damn afraid of carbs. Over ten years after Dr. Atkins’ New Diet Revolution warned dieters worldwide about the fattening power of the potato, the low-carb revolution is still in full effect. This is insane, because carbs are delicious. Fuck a protein shake, am I right?

Even the BBC has gotten in on the craze; reporting on how low-carb diets are all the rage, they cite Demi Moore and Jennifer Aniston’s willowy frames as triumphs of endless nights of never-ending salad bowls filled with skinless, boneless chicken breasts atop beds of lettuce. Yum, yum?

An unnamed British actor even ALLEGEDLY* has his hotel rooms swept for contraband carbs before entering. Maybe he’s afraid some stray mini-bar Pringles will bust out of their cage and force feed themselves to him? Perhaps the actor is a she — and the she is Gwyneth Paltrow! Seeing as she thinks she’s British, and then there’s this:

Only last week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow provoked the wrath of the dietetic establishment while she was promoting her new low-carb, gluten-free cookbook, by saying she avoids feeding her children bread, rice and pasta.

The thought of being a childhood without Spaghetti O’s makes my fat cells sob.

However, all that I could live with, I cannot waste all my tears on little Apple; girlfriend has it made. However, when I read that one desperate U.K. restaurant is now offering a low-carb bread MADE FROM BROCCOLI, it was the straw that broke the vitamin- and nutrient-deficient camel’s back. What fresh hell is this? It’s CARBS made from VEGETABLES.** My bread machine weeps.

Fuck. That. Enough!

High-protein diets might still be all the rage, but it’s time for their reign of tyranny to come to an end. You know why? Because nothing will ever beat a carb. Potatoes, rice, and bread will get you every time — and why not? The ultimate point of living isn’t to be as healthy as possible — it’s to have a great fucking time. And what’s a better time than French fries? Possibly sex. Maybe.

Plus, this week has pretty much blown, and so it’s probably best for us to carbo-load our troubles away. It’s science!

After thirty years of research (eating pounds of every known carb), I’ve come up with the 31 best ones. They are in descending order, and this is not open to debate. (Of course it is.)

1. The potato in all its forms. Listed here from most to least delicious (not up for debate) (untrue):

Mashed potatoes
French fries (from most to least delicious: poutine, disco, waffle, shoestring, curly, chili cheese, cheese, wedge, steak, chili, stix)
Au Gratin
Scalloped
Tater tots
Hash browns
Home fries
Potato chips
Baked potatoes (not sure whether these count as they’re basically a vegetable)
Sweet potato, anything

2. Bagels
3. Croissants
4. Naan
5. Pizza (thin crust)
6. Cereal (all, except fuck Kashi Go Lean)
7. Muffins (all, except fuck bran)
8. Soft pretzels (toppings, any and all) (Super Pretzel allowed)
9. Injera
10. Roti
11. Lasagna
12. Challah
13. Cinnamon rolls (although list is strictly savory, cinnamon rolls have ability to mingle in savory and sweet world, therefore acceptable.)
14. Mac and Cheese
15. Fry coating (any type)
16. Chapati
17. ALL PASTA SHAPES
18. White rice (any type)
19. Pizza (deep dish)
20. Everything free in an Italian or Mexican restaurant.
21. Utz pretzel nuggets
22. Bread pudding
23. Bread salad
24. Potato chip sandwich
25. Dumplings (all varieties)
26. Focaccia
27. Tamales
28. Triscuits (or Wheat Thins, same diff)
29. Inari
30. Pizza (delivery or Digiorno)
31. Spaghetti mixed with rice and folded into mashed potatoes (it’s a thing; try it)