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That's a Titty

Illustration for article titled Thats a Titty
Screenshot: FatFace

It has come to my attention that this sweater, sold by British retailer FatFace for $82 American dollars, is being noticed not for its cozy warmth or its subtle color palette, but for the very curious pattern traversing the chest area. Are those breasts?

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News of this sweater reached me via the Guardian, and after careful consideration, I almost agree with their assessment. Up close, the sweater’s pattern suggests a Fair Isle designer’s wildest hallucination— a deviation from the traditional patterns in exchange for something a little more avant-garde. If you squint and look at the little red splotches, they sort of look like a crude rendition of the state of Texas, as if drawn from memory by someone who has looked at a map once. It’s not quite a breast, but it is breastish—a suggestion, a whisper, a soupçon. It’s subtle enough to pass muster through whatever stages of inspection mass-market knitwear endures before it hits retailers, but not subtle enough to escape the notice of consumers.

From a distance, though, the sweater reveals its true nature. Those aren’t breasts, and they certainly aren’t boobs; the former implies realism and the latter, a complete lack of understanding of female anatomy. What it is, my friends, is a titty.

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

With nipples!  But without them, breasts would be pointless.