Welcome to Pissing Contest, a weekly story sharing circle for the the ass-draggiest time of the afternoon on the ass-draggiest time of the last day between you and the weekend. Every week, we'll ask a question, you'll share stories, and we'll pick a winner that's featured in the next week's post. It's like a pyramid scheme of outdoing each other!
Maureen Dowd giveth, and Maureen Dowd giveth some more.
In case you missed it, earlier this week, Pulitzer-winning Times columnist Maureen Dowd made the internet double over in laughter with her tale of going to Colorado and eating way way way way way too much weed and then tripping balls for like 8 hours. This Pissing Contest is dedicated to the Dowd moments we've all experienced.
Here's a bad one: a couple of years ago, my now-ex and I returned from a party where we both imbibed in way too much pot. In the cab ride home, I revealed to him that I'd never seen Apocalypse Now. You gotta see it! he said. Ok, I said. And so I watched Apocalypse Now while so stoned that I felt the fear of a wild animal about to be eaten by a polar bear that looks like Colonel Walter E. Kurtz and I ended up falling asleep on the wood floor with my feet against the wall. Another time, many moons prior, I smoked so much weed that I felt compelled to build what I called a "blanket house" in the middle of a different ex boyfriend's bed. I refused to let him join me in the "blanket house," and so he slept on the couch and the next morning I made him a guilt-breakfast.
But before we get to your tales of druggy woe, let's fan ourselves over the ridiculously steamy stories from last week's SUPER SEXY version of Pissing Contest. OMylanta has one of the kinkiest meet-cute tales I've ever heard. Obeyyourscarletthirst's tale of fearfucking her boyfriend's brains out is also pretty fantastic, as is MamaMiaitsMea's story of doing sex in a space hotel. Talesfromthevalley mounted (heh) an impressively timely D-Day story of doing it with a Marine, and JezLangley had a great First Orgasm story. In a close second is dodger4's story of Alcatraz tour sex. But the winner, in an incredibly hotly contested contest, is Bears.
Junior year of college and it's the wee hours of a party that is winding down, I'm sort of half-crashed on a couch in the basement with this super cute dude who I genuinely had no idea was at all into guys and playing a game of NHL '03 on the X-Box as the Canucks.
So, all of a sudden, out of nowhere dude just leans over and whispers all conspiratorially "Is it cool if I suck your dick" to which I can really only sort of blankly nod as I'm more than a little drunk/stoned/sleepy at this point.
So dude starts going to work and I...keep playing the game and, for those of you who might not remember NHL '03 not-so-good players could go on hot streaks and become super good for like no reason, Artem Chubarov of all people gets red hot during my series with the Red Wings and just lights them right the 'eff up for like 6 goals in the next game. If this were a better story I'd have gotten off right as the 6th goal got scored but I think I was just somewhere in the third period.
Anyways, the blowjob was fantastic, I reciprocated after the game was over(THAT'S GOOD, UNSELFISH CANADIAN ORAL SEX ETIQUETTE FOR ALL YOU KIDS OUT THERE) and to this day I can't think of Artem Chubarov without getting a raging erection.
This is the most interesting story about hockey, maybe ever.
Now, onward and upward. So far upward that you are very too much high.
Illustration by Jim Cooke.