Texting Tips To Ensure You Never Get Laid

Say you just got a girl’s phone number, and now you want to text your way into her heart. According to The TXT Book, you should start by calling her “penguin princess.”

The texting sages of TXT Book, who appear to be affiliated with something called the Pickup Podcast, advise, “If you’re texting a very beautiful girl, she is probably ALREADY getting texts from normal, needy guys, so we have to stand out.” How to do that with a girl you’ve just met? TXT Book recommends this approach:

hey crackerpants! Just what kinda trouble are you getting into today!?

What is crackerpants? Why the interrobang!?!?! And “what kinda trouble?” Is this girl Dennis the Menace or something? This text would certainly make its sender stand out in my mind — as insane. Other examples are no better — TXT Book also suggests “hello my little midget ninja!” and “what r u up to crazyface?” Note that all these texts are not only absurd but also vaguely offensive — next is the guy supposed to call her whore-drawers?

Ever the intrepid investigator, I explored the rest of the site to determine if there was some logical rationale for its bizarre nickname choices. Here’s what I found:

Every night she went to bed with her favourite stuffed animal, Pudgy Bunny. Because, of course, you have read our book or gotten expert training from The Art of Charm you made sure to get her number.

Now, when the time comes to text her you have the opportunity to draw from that story which will show that you listened and also evoke those ever important positive emotions all over again. The next step is to add a question or statement that requires more information.

I get it! The guy should call her Pudgy Bunny! Or ask how her bunny’s doing, or something — right? Right? Here’s what TXT Book recommends:

Hey my little penguin princess, what kind of mischief are you causing today!?

Yes, that was penguin princess, even though her story has nothing to do with penguins and penguins have never come up in the guy’s interaction with her. The whole thing manages to be overfamiliar and slightly condescending, topped off with a great big slice of crazy. Of course, all this aside, it’s worth questioning the site’s very premise: that women enjoy engaging in flirty text-banter with guys they’ve just met, before they’ve actually been on a date. Write the TXT Book wizards,

Your first text message is making your first impression all over again. You need to show her that you’re that fun, cool guy who she met in person. And most of all, you want her to respond so you can start a conversation over text, and ultimately get her to meet up.

But the simplest way to “get her to meet up” is just to ask her to meet up, and I’d much rather receive a simple “want to get a beer next week” than some sort of joke full of interrobangs. It’s possible that there are women out there who really want to test a guy’s textual wit and charm before agreeing to go out with him. But I’m pretty sure if you’re texting with that kind of lady, The TXT Book isn’t going to help you.