You know what I like best about horrifying monsters? That they're not fucking real. Like, I know it's all very de rigueur these days to talk about how much you "want" to bone a werewolf, or how "great" a zombie apocalypse would be, or how "cool" it would be if Mansquito were a real man-eating-half-man-half-mosquito-man. But you guys. Come on. All that shit would be SUCH A HASSLE. Don't you have errands to run? Weren't you looking forward to getting drunk and watching The Last Stand? Well, sorry, clear your schedule because your new plan is just RUNNING FROM MONSTERS ALL DAY ALL NIGHT. Not worth it, ya'll. Luckily, monsters aren't real.
Except—oops—cancel your sea errands, because giant squid doesn't give a care about your feelings! He's just out there in the cold, cold ocean, swimming around dreaming of your delicious brainz and being completely 100% hella verifiable. Jerk.
Japanese scientists—in conjunction with the Discovery Channel, which will air the footage on January 27—have captured what they say is the first footage of a live giant squid bopping around in its natural habitat:
NHK showed footage of the silver-coloured creature, which had huge black eyes, as it swam against the current, holding a bait squid in its arms. For Kubodera it was the culmination of a lengthy quest for the beast. "It was shining and so beautiful," Kubodera told AFP. "I was so thrilled when I saw it first hand, but I was confident we would because we rigorously researched the areas we might find it, based on past data." Kubodera said the creature had its two longest arms missing, and estimated it would have been eight metres long if it had been whole. He gave no explanation for its missing arms. He said it was the first video footage of a live giant squid in its natural habitat-the depths of the sea where there is little oxygen and the weight of the water above exerts enormous pressure.
The scientists filmed the squid with a high definition camera from a manned submarine, which almost foundered when everyone on board simultaneously peed their pants because OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT SQUID.
When reached for comment, Moby Dick was all, "Ugh, screw that guy."