Tennessee Republican Compares Defunding Planned Parenthood to Going Home with a Pretty Girl

In yet another perfect example of why Republicans should never try to make analogies, use figures of speech, or speak in a non-literal manner, Tennessee Republican Representative Stacey Campfield (R- Knoxville) compared defunding Planned Parenthood with making out with the prettiest girl at prom.

Campfield made the incredibly ironic comparison (taking money away from women who need reproductive care is like gettin’ sexy with a hot lady!) on the heels of the passage of a law that would block federal funding of Planned Parenthood, even though none of it goes to fund abortion care. The bill contained an interesting mystery amendment, though, that negated the defunding, was added without any party leaders’ knowledge, and apparently went undetected by the lawmakers who were so foamy at the mouth to punish poor women that they couldn’t be bothered to read the shit they were passing.

In response to the once-over, representative Campfield offered this incredibly astute comparison,

“We had to kiss a lot of ugly girls at the prom, but we took the pretty one home,” said Campfield. “As long as we got what I was looking for, which was defunding Planned Parenthood, I’m willing to let it drop.”

Kudos to the mystery legislator, but it seems he or she was only staving off the inevitable; conservative lawmakers from The Volunteer State plan on rapidly passing a bill that would place a more permanent ban on funding Planned Parenthood starting on July 1. That’ll show those poor ladies. Remember, women: you earn the right to have sex by not being poor. You earn the right to not be forced to have a child by not being poor. And by gum you’re going to have to learn to keep your legs closed or suffer the consequences.

News flash to conservative lawmakers: abortion is not fun or glamorous or awesome. Most women who’ve had an abortion, I’d venture to guess, probably wish they’d never have been pregnant in the first place. I’ve never known a woman who was Totally Psyched About Her Abortion. Abortion is not an enjoyable thing! Taking away a right to choice is not depriving evil sinful harlots of the joy of terminating a pregnancy; it’s legislating away the agency a woman should have over what happens within her own skin. Taking abortion away is not a punishment; being forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term is not “punishment;” it’s torture. When women are poorly behaved by being sexual, or offensive simply by virtue of being women, by being poor, “no more abortions!” is hardly the same as being sent to bed without dinner by a stern patriarch, but that’s how Republicans see their role- domineering men who know what’s best for you, for me, for our mothers and sisters and their own wives and daughters (but probably not mistresses).The fact that anti-choicers tend to present limiting abortion access as a sort of punishment demonstrates how fundamentally they misunderstand the thought process a woman who receives an abortion goes through.

Yes, Republicans in Tennessee are back at their homes, furiously dry humping the very prettiest girl they ever have seen, even though they still can’t seem to master the English language.

A word of warning to Representative Stacey Campfield, though. I hope you have condoms at your house, because if that pretty girl you’re taking home gets pregnant, you’re screwed.