Tell Us Your Thanksgiving Horror Stories

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Screenshot: Friends (NBC)

Hello, it’s Thanksgiving 2018. Conversation at the dinner table with family has surely exhausted you—perhaps, for instance, you have racist Republican relatives, rowdy from a day of carousing and gluttony, who want to debate you. Shouldn’t those folks be watching football by now, giving you a brief moment of solace with the aunt who also likes to sneak a few cigarettes on the back porch?


While you’re suffering, let’s think of all the past Thanksgiving where you might’ve suffered even more. Why? Well, we love to commiserate together; it makes us feel good. And nothing could be more horrific than the woman who shit so much she ruined her marriage, right? So come on, dudes, tell us your stories of Thanksgiving woe in the comments below.

And now for the best of the best from last week’s Pissing Contest, where you divulged the most regrettable text message you’ve sent.

No joke here, CJ4 told his mom to suck his balls:

A few years ago, when my wife and I were newlyweds, we watched some show or something that used the phrase “suck-worthy.”

Later that evening, I was in bed and my wife was in her office. I texted, “Me and my suck-worthy balls are waiting for you.” I know: classy.

Anyway, no response. Twenty minutes or so and still no wife. Finally, about 30 minutes later, she finally came in. I exclaimed, “Thanks a lot! Didn’t you see my text?”

She responded, “What text? I didn’t get anything from you.”

I leaned over, flipped over my phone, and looked. At the top of the text chain:


Joey Michaels’s situation is cat-astrophic:

So my wife and I text animal noises to each other all the time - most frequently “meow” or some variation. Multiple animal noises usually signal we are especially excited about something.

I received a text from my co-worker about some point of business or other and forgot to reply. I then received a text from my wife. You know how your phone will let you read certain texts when you get them without having to open the text app? So I read her text when it popped up, opened my text app, and replied “meow meow meow meow mroooooowwwwww.”

I didn’t realize my error until I got a call from my boss asking me why I was so rude to co-worker. Co-worker thought I was basically calling their work matter bullshit by writing “meow,” so then I had to sit down with my boss and show him a month’s worth of history of me writing “meow” to my wife. My boss thought this was hilarious and he found it even more hilarious that my co-worker was in no way placated by this explanation. In meetings, my boss now sometimes says “meow” to my co-worker to annoy him.

So, basically, cute thing with wife has turned into bullying behavior from boss directed at my permanently irritated-at-me coworker.

doit2julia! seems like a fun person to text with, all things considered:

Oh, god.

There’s this one guy who still has a special place in my heart. For the sake of the story, we’ll call him John. John and I had great sex, a great connection, and bad timing. Always bad timing. We had really strong feelings for one another but never fully got off the ground relationship-wise.

Frustrated by having my heart invested in a stalled prospect, I resolved to go on a few OKCupid dates to get my mind off him, one of which resulted in damn near the best sex I’d ever had. After the date, I texted my best girl friend with the exciting news: “All night fuckathon. I think the new guy might have just knocked John out of my Top 3!” Except—prepare for cringing—I sent that text to John.


lazarus’s wife is a goddamn heartbreaker:

When my wife and I were a few months into dating, she invited me up to her families ski cabin in Lake Tahoe for a weekend. I got lost and texted her asking to confirm the address. Never heard back. Did not matter because I found the cabin 30 seconds later. She was waiting outside and flagged me down.

So we have an awesome night filled with great food, drinks, sex etc. and pass out in bed.

The next morning, I am downstairs making coffee when this random dude knocks on the front door with flowers and a small suitcase. We both stared at each other for a second and he said “Uh, I think I made a mistake?”

My girlfriend (now wife) came downstairs after hearing his voice and was screaming at him “What the fuck!? What the hell are you doing here!?”

I had no clue what was going on.

He replied “You told me to come here!”

This was in 2006, when phones were not super text friendly. She texted her ex instead of me. It looked something like this.

Wife: (Address)

Ex: Really?

Wife: Yes. I will keep an eye out for your car in case you miss it.

Ex: Be there ASAP!

Office Magic made some sweet mistakes:

I once tried to confess to eating all the Reese’s pieces, but auto correct changed it to “I ate all the legal papers”. My friend also once texted me that she was bringing a funfetti cupcake, but the text read “bringing you a finger cupcake”


Now let’s hear those Thanksgiving horror stories. You’ll feel better once you do. It’s not therapy, but it is free.


ms pernicious anemia

two thanksgivings ago was the first time i had been with my family in ten years. i have a lot of food allergies and i gave my cousin a list and asked if she wanted help cooking (i had been laid off and had shit tons of time) but she refused. she made a big production of showing me everything i could eat, how she had marked everything that was safe for me. the next day i had patches of eczema on my elbows and knees and blood coming out of both ends, so i texted her and said, “are you really, really sure there wasn’t anything you may have accidentally contaminated, i need to know what it was so i can treat it properly” and she says “oh, well i put butter on the green beans, but that’s not dairy, is it?” and when i said “i’ve been throwing up blood and have bloody stools” i apparently ruined thanksgiving (the day after thanksgiving, because pointing out you’ve been poisoned retroactively ruins things, i guess) and her husband banned me from ever stepping foot in their house ever again.

a friend is taking me home with her this year, and in therapy this week, we practiced convincing excuses for why i’m not with my family without going into “white supremacist racist trash fires who have poisoned me multiple times.”