The Most Regrettable Text You've Sent

Illustration for article titled The Most Regrettable Text You've Sent
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Let’s talk about “accidental” text messages—you know, the thing where you say something cool or flirty to your crush and then immediately backtrack it with “Sorry, meant to send that to a different Susan!” as to not appear forward or arrogant or god forbid, confident? While seemingly innocent, dudes often use this tactic to say gross, horny shit—in the most extreme cases, an “accidental” dick pic—and ruin the fun. In that circumstance, the “accidental” text message sucks.


Naturally, this lead to a discussion of regrettable, cringe-y text messages in general. You know what I mean: everything from the “Ahh, sorry, just saw this!” lie to ending a years-long relationship with “I can’t do this anymore” and everything in between. So tell us, what’s the most regrettable text message you’ve sent?

Hold on to your answers for just a second, we gotta go through your weirdest bridal shower stories first.

SolongeFarewell met a confused bridesmaid and the grandparents’ saw some dicks:

The bridesmaid who planned the party didn’t know the difference between a shower and bachelorette party. I guess she thought it was weird that the bride had requested she invite so many older family members and work friends, but she must have never questioned it. I generally find penis toy and stripper bachelorette parties inappropriate, but man was that the most entertaining shower I have ever been to. You know for me and a handful of friends with wicked senses of humor. It was a disaster for everyone else.

AnotherSplitAtom’s friend nearly married into a Nazi family? The fuck, dude:


So twenty years ago, my cousin announces she’s getting married. Ok, cool. She’s having her bridal shower in a German social club somewhere in the mid west two days before the wedding. Ok, cool. I’m her maid of honor, but the groom’s mother has planned this, and I’m a broke college student, so whatevs. Neither the bride nor I will really know any of these people, so we agree that we’ll drink and unwrap presents and pretend to have a good time.

The shower is held in the “special back room” of this German social club, complete with hidden bookcase entry. OK, cool — until we go into the special back room, and I get the feeling that the people who own the club and attend the club and know about the special back room are very unreconstructed Nazi sympathizers. Something about all the Reich eagles and Hugo Boss uniforms on display tip me off.

The shower itself was pretty tame — stuffed with upper midwest upper middle class ladies of a certain age who give her a lot of towels and small kitchen appliances. There are no mentions of Hitler, nobody plays “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” on an accordion. No embryonic Richard Spencer shows up, but my cousin and I continued to make eyes panicked eyes at each other. We get out and I spend the next two days trying to talk her into calling off the wedding. She doesn’t, because she’s 26 and doesn’t have enough life experience to say, “Y’know what? Fuck it!” yet. (She gets to that point a few months later and gets out.)

The reception was held in the same social club, but in the basement, which was far less Third Reich-y, and a lot more Bavarian Beer Cellar-y, but I was still creeped out.


anotherblog met a nightmare named Baby Jean:

May be slightly outing myself, but pretty sure my family doesn’t read this site so I should be good. Mine is less a weird event, more weird guest.

I co-hosted a bridal shower for my younger sister a few years ago. My younger sister is a devout christian and I suppose non-religious is the best descriptor for me. But since I knew that the attendees would be her church mates and elder aunts I kept thebrief light, fun and appropriate.

One attendee, who I’ll call Baby Jean, was a 50+ church auntie type and I thought, relatively normal. Then she won the first game but when I gave her the prize (It was like a cheap lipgloss, or keyring set, something I’d grabbed from a dollar bin), she gifted it to the bride? In like a full kneel offering style.

She spent the whole event positioning herself next to the bride, be she standing or sitting. Keep in mind that our mum, our older sister/the maid of honor, the brides best friend and her future mother in law were also present, but Baby Jean saw fit to monopolise her time for most of the evening.

Later at the end of the evening when we were all giving words of wisdom to the bride to be a few of her friends got emotional talking to her. Enter Baby Jean. At her turn, she immediately began to fake cry, and her advice to the bride was to “Never call the police on [Husband], because any problems should be between them and god”. I have no poker face, so I looked as disgusted as I felt when she said this because what the actual fuck?

Her energy the whole event was off, with everything she said and did it was like she wanted to exaggerate how close she was to the bride. Because I know for a fact my sister is polite to this woman but doesn’t actually like her all that much.


GoodHeavensGwendolyn’s story isn’t so much a bridal shower horror story as it is a warning to never this dude:

The bride: my husband’s ex. The location: somebody’s basement. After the “design a toilet paper wedding dress” game we settled in for trivia...about the groom. Nobody really knew this guy because he was her rebound that she had only known for a few months, and she didn’t bring him around much. But whatever it’s just a game, right? The question I remember best was “what is his favorite book.” I thought, “Hey, I don’t really know this guy but he seems a little off, and he seems like the type who wants to be seen as intellectual but not too edgy. I’m gonna go with ‘The Catcher in the Rye.’” No, it turned out that he loves ‘The Hobbit’ because he just couldn’t get into ‘The Lord of the Rings.’ (Find a nerd friend to explain to you how messed up that is.) Just as my head was about to explode the bride looked me in the eye and said, “But he reminds me a lot of Holden Caulfield.” Did she take that as the ginormous in-your-face red flag that it so clearly was? No, she did not. Two months after their zoo wedding he got frustrated that she still did not want to consummate their marriage due to him having herpes. So he left her a note and some gift cards to the mall and said he was going off to fulfill his dream of walking the Appalachian Trail.


Show us your texts.

URL: Senior Writer, Jezebel. IRL: Author of the very good book 'LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands from NKOTB to BTS,' out now.


Joey Michaels

So my wife and I text animal noises to each other all the time - most frequently “meow” or some variation. Multiple animal noises usually signal we are especially excited about something.

I received a text from my co-worker about some point of business or other and forgot to reply. I then received a text from my wife. You know how your phone will let you read certain texts when you get them without having to open the text app? So I read her text when it popped up, opened my text app, and replied “meow meow meow meow mroooooowwwwww.”

I didn’t realize my error until I got a call from my boss asking me why I was so rude to co-worker. Co-worker thought I was basically calling their work matter bullshit by writing “meow,” so then I had to sit down with my boss and show him a month’s worth of history of me writing “meow” to my wife. My boss thought this was hilarious and he found it even more hilarious that my co-worker was in no way placated by this explanation. In meetings, my boss now sometimes says “meow” to my co-worker to annoy him.

So, basically, cute thing with wife has turned into bullying behavior from boss directed at my permanently irritated-at-me coworker.