It's Thanksgiving evening, which means you're probably about to fall into a tryptophan coma, fight with your Republican relatives or—if you're anything like me— eat a store-bought turkey sandwich while drinking and watching Netflix alone in your apartment. But first let's share our best Thanksgiving horror stories!
To get you started, here are some of the best Thanksgiving tales of woe from the Jezebel staff:
- A dinnertime fight that caused cousins to not speak to each other for 6 years (and counting).
- A flight missed because airport security spotted a Qua'ran in an editor's carry-on and decided to search her.
- The time one writer cajoled her foodie boyfriend into eating a Tofurky dinner (the meal was consumed in silence).
- And this perfect nightmare experienced by Jia Tolentino: "Once, my birthday fell on the day before Thanksgiving; I was just about to turn 18. I had a transfer back from UVA in the Atlanta airport that got cancelled, and instead of giving me a hotel voucher, they told me I had to stay within the "in-airport childcare center" because I was still a minor. I told them that I was in college and that my 18th birthday was the next day, and I could be trusted to get myself to a hotel; they said, no dice and put me in an underground dungeon with footie pajamas big enough for an 8-year-old and a voucher for a carton of milk. An airport worker sang me happy birthday at midnight because she felt sorry for me, which was sort of a good end to the story, but it made me cry."
All great stories, but I'm sure you can top them.
And now the winners of last week's Pissing Contest, which involved you divulging your number one relationship deal breakers. Not putting up with racism, sexism and homophobia were the obviously big three, but seeing as those are not so much relationship quirks as much as they're qualities that make you a decent human, we decided to highlight some slightly more...specific stories.
I once went out with a guy who said he was a writer, and since I'm also a writer, I asked who some of his favorite authors were.
He said, "I don't read other writers because I don't want to mess with the purity of my own thoughts. I think it's more honest."
He proudly stated he hadn't read a book since graduating high school. Dealbreaker. Both for being insufferable AND for being dumb.
A cheap date with yvanehtnioj:
First date with an "actor" (yes he had headshots, no he had no acting credits of any kind) and he spent maybe twenty minutes talking about how crazy it was when a girl asks a guy out but then expects him to pay. Just brought it up again and again, with examples from previous dates, etc. I tried to shut it down gently by saying, "yeah I think it's fair to split, especially if it's early and you don't know if you'll be taking turns" but he was adamant: whoever asked should pay. If he gets asked out, he shouldn't have to bring a wallet at all, it wasn't his idea! Check comes, he throws in a twenty on the $60 tab. And yes, he's the one who asked me out.
Fun extra from that date, a song came on and he got really excited. "Oh, I love this song. I love this band, actually! Have you ever heard of them?" The song was A fucking Hard Day's Night. Yes I've heard of the Beatles. I am also from Earth.
So was the dealbreaker that he was condescending, a hypocrite, pretty dumb, or a terminally unemployed actor whose greatest dream was to be in a Michael Bay movie? I like to think the answer to that question is yes.
An even cheaper date with Wheezer801:
I once went on some internet date with a guy who insisted we go to an amusement park on our first date. I repeatedly told him I'd rather just meet for coffee, but he kept talking about how much fun we'd have and how it'd be an adventure. I relented. This was a mistake.
So we meet up, I even bring those cans that get you like $10 off entry, and he insists on paying. For the next several hours all he did was talk about how expensive it was to get into the park. I repeatedly mentioned how I would have paid for myself but he didn't let me. I even try to say things like, "yeah, we won't do this in the future. But we're here now so let's have fun!" We do not buy any food or drink inside the park (but I did buy a sweatshirt because I got soaked on a log ride and a storm had blown in. But I paid for that myself and would not have expected to do otherwise.) No matter what I did, he just kept bring up the cost of the date.
I was pretty young at the time so I had agreed to let him drive me to said park, so I'm stuck there and couldn't leave (mistake 2). Finally, at what I thought was the end of the date, he says, "I made reservations for us a [super expensive local restaurant]." I try to talk him out of it - "oh! I'm not really hungry! Why don't we just grab a burger on the way home?" - This doesn't work. We get to this place, I'm completely under dressed because I've been on roller coasters all damn day, and then he proceeds to complain about how expensive the restaurant that HE PICKED is! Over the course of the day, I had done everything I could to try to get him off this topic of conversation and he refused to stop talking about how much everything cost. By this point I'm not even paying attention to him anymore, just staring off into the distance as he bitched (this is pre smartphone). So when the check came, I threw down my credit card without a word and paid for our meal. I thought that would shut him up. I was wrong.
In the car as he was taking me home, he just kept talking about how I had just earned major points with him for paying for dinner, and how amazing it was that I did that, and what a "cool chick" I was for shouldering some of the cost of our date. Well, I lost my shit. I blew up and said something like, "I paid because you wouldn't shut the fuck up about how much everything cost! I didn't even want to go to [amusement park] or [restaurant]! I went because this was YOUR IDEA and I wanted to get to know you! I told you I'd have been fine with meeting at Starbucks! If you didn't want to spend so much damn money why the hell did you suggest all this???"
We didn't speak for the remainder of the car ride home and he barely let me get out of the car before speeding off. I never spoke to him or saw him again (and I don't even remember his name).
And the ultimate deal breaker, courtesy of HarvestMoon:
I looked up an old flame on Twitter and saw that he had sent fan tweets to both Dennis Miller and Jay Mohr. Flame dead. Forever.
WELL DONE, EVERYONE! DRINKS ALL AROUND. **knocks already empty bottle of wine off my coffee table**
Image via Shutterstock.