Image: Getty

Much like New Year’s Eve, Halloween is a party time set up for disappointment. Your hopes are high, as is the level of alcohol and/or various substances in your system (remember, micro-dosing is healthy) and you’re well on your way to a grand ol’ evening out on the town. Or are you? You might have some fun if it weren’t for all the other assholes around you in their sexy Handmaid’s Tale costumes doing the exact same shit. Drunk people who aren’t you are the worst, right?

Maybe I’m bitter! I plan on remembering this Halloween, but were you to ask me about my most fucked up experience on the spooky holiday I’d struggle to recall details.

However: you might drink responsibly and you might even have a story about the time you were arrested for urinating in public outside your boss’s house. (Listen, I’ve seen a lot of teen movies.) So tell me, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done on Halloween? Any and all fiascos are welcome for this Pissing Contest.

But first! Here are your bone-chilling, piss-in-your-pants, completely absurd childhood fears. Sooooo many of them were about toilets.

doit2julia! was potty petrified:

My great grandmother lived to be 99 years old and she did it by living harder than anyone else in the family. Her house had no indoor plumbing, and she’d haul water from the town reservoir every day. Her toilet was a bench with a hole in it set over a latrine that had been dug underneath the house. And this, dear friends, is how I learned to pee standing up because I was terrified some ungodly creature would emerge from this hole, snatch me by the hoo-ha, and force me to live as its imprisoned companion beneath the house.

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iCowboy was a person, looking at a bunny, asking it to go the fuck away:

UK television’s uniquely terrifying children’s programmes of the 1970s - not just the obvious things like Doctor Who and Children of the Stones - but the stuff aimed at really young kids.

There was a puppet version of Rupert the Bear with a thing called Raggedy which was made of sticks and jumped out of the screen with dry ice fumes that was absolutely horrifying.

And then there was Hartley Hare, a puppet on an inoffensive puppet programme that went out at lunctimes called Pipkins. Hartley looked like something that had been killed a few weeks ago, left on hot tarmac on a busy road and had then been brought back to life by the darkest magic. Absolutely FUCKING terrifying:

Screenshot: iCowboy

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catslightly was terrified of dolls, so she treated them like queens:

My parents always thought it was so cute that I’d tuck all my dolls to sleep at night. They’d find their shoes turned into makeshift beds filled with Barbies. Tissue boxes were emptied in pursuit of tiny blankets. I was just such a loving kid with caretaker instincts. What they did not know was that my older sister spent the majority of our childhood perpetuating the belief that dolls would come to life and murder you if you mistreated them. My extreme hospitality to the dolls was done out of self preservation, not maternal instincts.

Even now, I have a hard time with dolls. There’s a box of porcelain dolls I inherited from my grandma. They’ve been in a box in storage for several years and I’m kind of scared to open the box and let them out. Who knows how pissed they’ll be.

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kazari hates this scene from Superman, and I’m with ‘em:

Robots and droids. In particular C-3PO, with all those weird exposed wires in his abdomen, filled little preschool me with existential horror. I distinctly remember watching his and R2-D2's cameo on Sesame Street and bursting into tears. I likely developed this fear because my parents let me watch (or didn’t pay attention to what I was watching) things like Empire Strikes Back, the Terminator, and oh, that horrifying scene from Superman 3.

deerlady83 was fearful of the inevitable:

My worse fear as a child was to be turned into a zombie. I would still be self aware and could feel my body rotting around me. I also knew I was eating people yet I couldn’t stop. I was scared of what would happen when my body finally rotted away to nothing. What would be left of my consciousness or soul?

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If it’s not about movies or books I don’t wanna know and I shared a shark thing:

A great white shark getting me, no matter how little the body of water. I didn’t feel entirely safe in a pool. I wondered if a shark couldn’t get to me through the plumbing, so the bath and the toilet bowl made me feel suspicious. I knew it didn’t make sense, but couldn’t control it. Needless to say, I was very young when I was first exposed to Jaws.

Penelope hated escalators:

I was CONVINCED I’d be eaten by the escalator bc I once saw a movie where the woman get sucked into it. I was under under the assumption that I’d fall through the crack of the elevator.

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Moltar hated gravity, which is kind of hilarious?:

When I learned about gravity in kindergarten, I thought that the center of the earth was literally going to reach out and grab me and pull me in to my death. I was very afraid.