Dearly beloved, we are gathered at this Pissing Contest today to share our stories of the strangest, funniest, and most fucked-up funerals that we’ve ever attended. (Thank you to Maxine Floeffler for the grim suggestion.) Please join me in bowing our heads for a moment of prayer and contemplation...of all the ways a funeral can go wrong.
Before we get six feet under, let us first celebrate the lives of the winners from last week’s Pissing Contest when we requested stories about the most mortifying things that your parents have ever done.
Fleanardo DiCaprio wins BEST DAD:
Because I hate to shop for clothes, and always have, whenever my family went to the mall, I would spend about an hour with my mom buying school clothes and then she would meet up with my dad and pass me off so she could shop for herself in peace. I was always SUPER excited about this, because it meant about 2 hours of the arcade, the food court, and the bookstore.
Anyway, my mom did the handoff to my dad, and we walked towards the escalator. Unbeknownst to my dad, I had stopped briefly to examine some trinket, and another guy had gotten on the escalator right behind my dad. I got on the escalator behind the other dude...
...just in time to hear my dad say, without looking over his shoulder, “Hey [family nickname]!” and then let loose with the loudest, rankest fart known to mankind. He then turned around with a huge, Joker-esque grin on his face, which quickly dissolved as he saw the other dude glaring at him and plugging up his nose. Meanwhile, I was covering my face and wanting to fall down the escalator and into the arms of a less embarrassing father.
wickedlilpixie wins BEST MOM:
I had went out to lunch at the mall with my mom, I had to have been in my early 20’s. We stopped in the food court to ear and as usual mom took out her top plate of dentures. She used to say she couldn’t eat with them in, so she would oh so smoothly use a tissue and pop out the teeth.
After we ate, we shopped a bit and went home. One block from home she starts to panic, “omg I threw out my teeth, we have to go back!” Me being me tried everything I could to talk her out of it. Alas, she didn’t have insurance so back to Eaton Center we went.
We get to the food court and she convinces me I have to DIG IN THE FOOD GARBAGE FOR HER TEETH. I tried to talk her out of it, alas shirt rolled up I stuck my hand into the garbage.
At this exact moment in a packed food court, my 62 year old mom screams “April Fools” and hauls ass out of the food court.
I miss her dearly, this was just one of her many embarrass Pixie moments.
This one by RedStateBlueWomen is maybe too good to be true?
Once, my mom and dad told us they were giving us the house for the weekend while they were taking a cruise. I was 18 and I was going to have friends over. It was going to be a fantastic weekend!
But they told us the wrong weekend and never updated us. So my friends come over around 8pm, I think mom and dad are gone because dad’s car isn’t there (my brother took it to a friends house). My friends and I decide to look for alcohol and proceed to my parents bedroom where I knew they kept schnapps.
We all burst through the door laughing right as my dad is cumming on my mom. It was like a scene from a terrible 70s black porno and it is seared into my memory forever.
To this day I don’t know what came over my mom but she was the first to speak: “hey y’all like to party?”
I nearly died. I think I was actually crying.
MabelSays’ mother sounds like a fucking nightmare:
I was 17 and my mom took me to her gynecologist to have him tell her if I was a virgin or not.
While mocena’s mom had nothing but the best intentions:
SO HERE’S HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN.
My midwestern, only ever slept with her True Love (my dad) mother, fresh with the horrifying (to her) and mortifying (to us both) knowledge of my Teenage Sexuality, is doing Her Best to handle it all. Bless her. She wanted so badly to help my awkward 17 year old ass be comfortable and safe, but she had no idea what the fuck she was doing and also she also super duper wanted me to stop boning my boyfriend, already.
Anyway, I get a couple of UTIs in a row from the aforementioned boning and my mother takes it upon herself to try to teach me how not to get them. She sits me down and gives me the “pee after sex” talk, which was really all she needed to do.
It really was.
God, I wish she had stopped there.
She’s like “Hey, I remember when we used to use condoms. They aren’t the greatest, although of course I’m glad you use them!!!!! Anyway, you should think about using lube.”
Lube. My mom said lube. I’m going to die just typing this out.
So I’m like “Okay, mom, please let me go away now forever.”
And she takes my hand and leads, nay, DRAGS me into her bedroom where she fishes out the tube of Astroglide she uses WITH MY FUCKING DAD, squirts some on my finger and says “See, it’s not greasy or anything at all!”
I died. I really did. All that happened after that in my entire life happened to a motherfucking ghost.
So anyway, after that I think I left to go hang out with my friends and bleach the memory of my mom squirting lube on my finger out of my brain.
THEN. I came home.
A little bag on my bed. From CVS. With lube in it.
My mom bought me lube.
Excellent submissions, everyone! Now let’s bring this party down with some strange tales of woe and death. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Pissing Contest to Pissing Contest.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Image via New World Pictures/Heathers.