Ted Cruz Chugs Diet Dr. Peppers While Being Racist, Discussing Child Porn

What a time to be alive and on the PR team for Dr. Pepper! A sitting U.S. senator is guzzling a diet version of your product, day by day, on live television during a most historic time in American history. Everyone is tuning in. We’re well on our way to getting our first Black woman Supreme Court justice, and a big bottle of Diet Dr. Fucking Pepper has been sitting right there the whole time! Smirnoff Vodka, which got its shit shaken-not-stirred into the latest James Bond film, could never.

Unfortunately for Dr. Pepper, the particular senator drinking this product is Ted “Zodiac Killer” Cruz. In case you missed it, he’s that guy who recently had the cops called on him while screaming “Don’t you know who I am??” at a bunch of Montana airport employees who did not, in fact, know who he was. He was throwing a temper tantrum because he missed his flight back to D.C. to ask Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson if babies are racist. And now, Cruz is pulling Diet Dr. Pepper bottles to his lips every few minutes while spouting racism and trying to accuse the most qualified SCOTUS nominee in some time of supporting child porn… which, of course, she doesn’t.

Cruz’s senseless ramblings are eerily on par with those of a frat boy who cornered you at a party after doing too much coke and wants desperately to explain his interest in bitcoin. Obviously, Cruz can’t blow lines on the podium in front of him at a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing for a historic nominee or on C-SPAN, but it feels like the Diet Dr. Pepper is his version of that. It has more caffeine than regular Dr. Pepper or Coca-Cola, but zero calories: an incredible tool for a tool, sitting in front of Ketanji Brown Jackson, asking her whether he can suddenly decide to be an Asian man and other things that have nothing to do with Jackson’s qualifications to serve on the high court. Caffeine, a hell of a drug!

I would love to be a fly on the wall at the Dr. Pepper comms meeting today. Did this help? Did it hurt? Do we send him a check? Maybe let’s shut the fuck up and hope that any attention is good attention, huh?

Dr. Pepper has not yet responded to Jezebel’s request for comment.