Teacher Confused by Meaning of Potluck, Arrested for Bringing Pot

A teacher at Matthew Turner Elementary in Benicia, CA was arrested yesterday after it was determined that she had brought Marijuana-laced edibles (ha?) to an after-hours employee potluck in November. While it is unclear what Theresa Gilmete Badger brought (god, please let it be baked goods) to the event, it is suspected that she must have used at least two to three marijuanas in her cooking process because people got sick. The number is made up, but The San Francisco Chronicle reports that those who tried Badger’s food “became sick and complained of feeling like they were under the influence of a controlled substance.” I bet at least one person said ” I am high as fuck right now!” but that is hearsay as it was not reported and comes directly from personal experience with controlled substances.

Unfortunately, one person took some leftovers home (to prolong the “controlled substance” feeling? If anything at a party made me sick I would just say no to any and all leftovers, but i am weird like that) where they were eaten by a minor who complained of the same symptoms; two others who had been at the party were admitted to hospital and at least one person was determined to have THC in their system. The whole thing is ridiculous, but I really feel for the sufferers. As someone who has a panic attack if I even smell “the pot” (as my high school principal used to call it), I know the out-of-control feeling can be terrifying.

The good news is that everyone’s fine—because marijuana can’t kill you Nancy Grace!—but huge questions remain. For instance, how did everyone just assume it was Badger who laced her food with THC? And what does she teach? (My bet is on Drama or Language Arts.) Did everyone just point at the super-laid-back teacher who did too much coloring in class? Was it all a conspiracy cooked up by the math teacher to get her suspended? And why are we just getting around to solving this now when it happened in November? Some things, it appears, we will never know.