Taylor Swift, Please Stop Doing This, I Have a Job

I endure a great deal of suffering to maintain my allegiance to Taylor Swift. I am ridiculed by nearly all my coworkers on a monthly basis, I survived all of the manufactured Kanye West drama, and I have hunted for every easter egg she’s ever left on the trail. But today, after nearly a decade of fandom, my white princess has pushed me too far. On Thursday, teasing the release of the re-recorded version of Red (which contains a 10-minute version of “All Too Well”) Swift dropped a string of letters shooting out of a vault like the genie being freed from his lamp.

It took almost no time for the Swifties to discern that this was a word search, and they subsequently assembled a 13-column search to figure out what exactly Swift was trying to tell us. While the Swifties were cracking codes and putting together spreadsheets, I was sipping my first coffee of the morning and thus had absolutely no brain power to join the hunt.

While I deeply appreciate Swift’s dedication to entertaining her fans not just with music but wild goose chases, I am fucking exhausted. I’m not the young woman I once was when I first heard Red and began to dance atop a rickety coffee table in my underwear with my white roommates. I have a job and a family to care for now, I can’t just drop everything at 10 in the morning on a workday to unearth the secrets of this album. Taylor, I love you but I cannot keep pouring into this one-sided relationship forever. Please, just give me a straightforward mystery and not something you created after watching a documentary on Alan Turing.

I tip my hat to all of the youths and young at heart who had the capacity to do this word search and share their findings with us geriatric Swifties, who just want to hear Taylor say “fuck” over some sad guitar sounds.