Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris Are OVER

How do I put this? Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris’ once beautiful pop-EDM collaboration of souls has reached its end. Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have terminated their contract. Taylor Swift and Adam “Calvin Harris” Wiles...look, they broke up. They are done, OK, and nothing can ever bring them back.


“There was no drama. Things just don’t work out sometimes,” an insider told People. Bullshit! Let’s get to the bottom of this.

It was just a couple short months ago that the two were celebrating their one year anniversary, posing for cloyingly sweet photos and drawing their names in the sand together. On closer inspection, though, perhaps the beginning of the end was written on Instagram all along. EXHIBIT A:

You will notice that this doesn’t say “TS <3 AW,” as established romantic sand scribbling protocol generally dictates. No, it says “TS + AW.” It’s probable that the rest of the message is just out of frame: “TS + AW are breaking the fuck up once we get off this island” is my best guess.

The implication on this one couldn’t be more clear. When two people really love each other, they straddle the back of the same jet ski, preferring to explore the coruscating blue waters as one. When they’re planning to break up in just 11 short weeks, well, it’s like the old saying goes: “Separate jet skis, separate beds.”

Harris and Swift were initially matched up by their mutual friend Ellie Goulding, who saw their potential for compatibility intersect at a number of important points.


“They’re both really awesome and both really tall, they’ll be brilliant together,” she said at the time.

Not tall enough, apparently. According to E!, the breakup occurred around the same time Harris was recovering from a car crash that left him hospitalized and forced to cancel two shows:

“Taylor and [Calvin] had no big blowout fight, but the romance just was not there anymore for them. [He] is the one that ended it. It was all done in a very mature fashion. Taylor is pretty upset but they are still in communication. Taylor was there for [him] with his accident and supportive.”


The two had been together for an impressive 15 months, which in celebrity years makes them the sort of precious old couple you see wearing matching windbreakers while utterly ignoring each other at restaurants.

Take heart, Tay. I’ve got just the jam for this.

Image via Getty.


JujyMonkey: unstable genius

Inside sources tell me it happened because Calvin Harris was hideously disfigured in the car crash and Tay couldn’t deal.

See photo: