Tan France Wants to French-Tuck Oprah

If you have seen maybe half an episode of Queer Eye, you are surely familiar with stylist Tan France’s favorite styling trick: the French tuck, a pernicious sartorial move that supposedly adds length to the torso but really makes it look like the wearer has forgotten to untuck their shirt after using the restroom. You know who was not familiar with it? Oprah Winfrey.

Backstage at the Women in the World conference, Oprah accosted Brie Larson, who was wearing her sweater French tucked into her skirt. “Oh, I love this half in, half out thing tuck, too,” Oprah says, as Brie clutches the door frame.

“I learned it from Queer Eye!” Captain Marvel says. “Come on, the French tuck. You gotta do the French tuck!”

Great. Yes. Oprah now knows about the French tuck, and though she cannot reasonably French tuck her outfit in the above Instagram, as she is wearing a dress and cannot and should not French tuck said dress into her Wolfords. However, Tan France, French tuck-father, learned that Oprah knows about his styling trick and has since put forth a request into the universe:

“O M F G!!! Now THIS is the best way to start the fucking day! Now let’s see if @oprah will let me French tuck her, IRL!! ”

While I respect Tan using his impact to summon Oprah to his workroom, I urge him to consider the way “French tuck her, IRL!!” sounds… lewd and also disrespectful to Oprah, a woman whose power I fear and respect in equal measure. French tucking someone IRL is maybe what you’d do after a night of many cigarettes and wine and screaming karaoke; it is a nicer way of saying “a blow job in the bathroom with this finance bro I met on Bumble which seemed like a good idea at the time, but maybe it wasn’t?” It is NOT a name for a style that makes you look like an unmade bed, but I am not the stylist on a Netflix show about how things just keep getting better, so maybe I don’t know anything.

What I do know is that Tan France wanting to French tuck Oprah IRL is a scene out of someone’s deep, dark fantasy, and I want (almost) nothing to do with it.