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Hallelujah! Secret Keeper Girl Is Here to Save Your Slatternly Trollop of a Preteen Daughter

Yo, have you seen your 8-12 year old daughter lately? The only reason I ask, the only reason I bring it up in so public a setting is that — well, I'm just gonna say it — your child is showing off parts of her child body that exclusively belong to her future adult husband and, frankly, she's coming off as a little…