Welcome to Midweek Madness, where FUCK it’s only Wednesday.

On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was. I said, “It’s October 3rd, the day we found out that Fan Bingbing owes $130 million in back taxes.”

I’m going give it to ya straight: it’s been a nightmare news week. Instead of ruminating on shared self-care practices, or whatever the hell healthy people do to cope, I’d like to introduce you to one of my favorite icebreaker/party questions. It’s the freakin’ weekend after all:

Here’s a fun and utterly ridiculous (aka perfect for a Friday) year-old rumor about the star of the season’s greatest film. Per a report by Radar Online, a source that is admittedly questionable but far from a purveyor of exclusively fiction, Tom Cruise requested that all staff members of the Corinthia Hotel in London…

The real mission impossible is teaching Tom Cruise that internet porn exists.

It is with a heavy heart that I share the following news: Mission: Impossible – Fallout, the sixth entry in the Mission: Impossible film series that was released last week to critical acclaim and ravenous audiences, is not only the best installment of the now 22-year-old franchise, but the best movie ever made.

And honestly who wouldn’t?

God, Tom Cruise sucks. Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to share with you this wonderful video of him jumping out of an airplane at 25,000 feet for Mission: Impossible—100. 

Xenu is coming to a TV near you.

Alley Mills, who played the mom in The Wonder Years, tells Yahoo that the show was cancelled due to a sexual harassment lawsuit against her TV children Fred Savage and Jason Hervey. The Los Angeles Times and Variety did report on the suit in 1993, the year the show was cancelled, though unclear whether it’s the reason…

Over the summer, a shot of Tom Cruise’s bubble butt—as seen in the 2008 war film Valkyrie—made the rounds online, along with a great conspiracy theory that Tom Cruise wore a prosthetic ass in the movie.

After four (4) years of passionately believing in Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes’ love as though Tinkerbell’s life depended on it all because of a single, super blurry photo of them holding hands in a recording studio, I have finally been validated: sharply focused photos of the two engaging in PDA are here!!!

A Twitter user has done the world a great public service in freeze-framing this moment from Tom Cruise’s 2008 WWII thriller Valkyrie, in which his booty suddenly appears pillowy and engorged and, quite frankly, unreal. I’m ashamed I didn’t catch this myself, seeing as I watched practically all of Valkyrie on mute many…

Does the Daily Mail send a photographer to full-time camp out in the Buckingham palace parking lot? Because here are previous photos of the royal family in cars, with a subset of the Queen driving around like a fucking baller. On this outing, they made merry with a joke! They’re just like us.

Thanks to the National Enquirer, the courts will now rule on whether calling someone transgender is defamatory, according to TMZ. In a crazy twist in Richard Simmons’ lawsuit, new filings allegedly state that claiming someone is undergoing gender reassignment surgery isn’t an insult–for example, claiming that he’s…

Last week, we asserted that the recent bomb The Mummy should have been about the freaking mummy. According to a juicy, anonymously sourced Variety report on what went wrong, it was initially supposed to be. That is until its star, Tom Cruise, ordered rewrites that gave his bland adventurer character even more screen…

Beyoncé is in labor or possibly/definitely already has babies right now (allegedly) according to the internet. Here are the last documented whereabouts of Beyoncé, an image in front of what appears to be a walk-in closet, posted on May 30th. Which almost certainly means that she in hiding somewhere (in the closet?)…

The movie The Mummy, which Jezebel thinks should’ve been about the freaking mummy, is earning the worst reviews in America. But over in China, Tom Cruise is as beloved as ever.

If you pay attention to pop culture, by now you have undoubtedly heard that Alex Kurtzman’s reboot of The Mummy is all curse, no gift. Currently, it has earned a pitiful 21 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. The nicest thing A.O. Scott can performatively muster in his New York Times review is this: “It is 110 minutes long.…

A sequel to Top Gun, the iconic 1986 “romantic military action drama” which happens to be the highest-grossing film of all time to be set in the LGBTQ aviation community, has been teased by producers for nearly a decade, but Maverick himself confirmed its imminence on an Australian news show Wednesday morning.