The White House, the belly of an aging, pugnacious beast, has instituted a policy prohibiting staffers and guests from using personal cell phones within its walls—devices they desperately need to contact their families in case of an emergency, or to plot a swift escape.
Fox News, the channel playing in a marble-and-gold bathroom while the president enjoys a six-hour bowel movement, has an interesting challenge ahead of them: how do they cover reports of the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russia? How do they pretend like it doesn’t matter? Enter The Security Moms, who care very much…
Before the election, crusty Jello mold Donald Trump employed an enormous group of aggressive private security officers, even after he was granted Secret Service protection. As president-elect, he is still employing an an enormous group of aggressive private security officers, headed by a guy who, in the span of one…
Retired Army lieutenant general Michael T. Flynn lived a life before he was selected by Donald Trump to serve as his National Security Advisor. In that life he made some mistakes that, coincidentally, have to do with national security.
Pascal Duvier is a very large German man who protects Kim Kardashian and Kanye West from groping “pranksters” and other assorted threats. He also has a very exciting Twitter account.
A nineteen-year-old brain tumor patient was returning home on June 30, after her last treatment at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, when a bloody encounter at Memphis International Airport turned celebration into disaster. After setting off the metal detector, the disabled young woman was confused by the demands…
Several of the biggest theme parks in the United States are increasing their security measures because of recent mass shootings and terrorist attacks occurring, uh, everywhere, constantly. Disneyland, Universal Studios, Disney World, and SeaWorld will all start using metal detectors; Disney World is also banning the…
New York City private and parochial schools with at least 300 students will soon be guarded by taxpayer-funded security guards, thanks to legislation that is set to be approved by the City Council on Monday.
Attention driver’s license holders from the great lands of New York, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Minnesota, and American Samoa: The Department of Homeland Security has no love for you. [Update: Let’s add Alaska, Arizona, Idaho, Louisiana, Maine, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, New Hampshire, Oklahoma, Oregon,…
A little known and surprising fact about the nightmarish hoops one must jump through at the behest of the TSA: You can get through airport security and board your flight without an official ID. It’s pretty chill.
Movie theater chain Regal Cinemas has begun checking the bags of all patrons entering their movie theaters, following a rash of high-profile, brutal theater shootings in the past several years. While none of the shootings occurred in a Regal theater, the company is putting security checks in place to make sure all…
Hillary Clinton will turn over her entire private email server to the Justice Department, a campaign spokesperson confirmed on Tuesday. In doing so, Clinton will be cooperating with an investigation into whether classified information was improperly stored during her time as secretary of state and ensuring that many,…
The Transportation Security Agency has long been maligned for making us take off our shoes and go through a metal detector fifteen times before someone is finally happy. This Instagram won't make up for all that, but it's probably the most amusing/informative thing you will see today.
Everyone kind of sucks at reading body language, but TSA definitely sucks at it, considering they've spent almost $1 billion dollars training their officers to keep a look out for people whose body language might divulge criminal intentions (or those who, you know, look like terrorists.) The whole caricature of a…
If you think the future is going to bring us all awesome hover boots, weird sexrobots, and spaceships capable of ferrying us to Mars, it's time you lower your expectations because the next big technological innovation rumbling down the airport terminal is (drumroll) body odor identification systems, which will be just…
At this point, it's beginning to seem like the TSA needs to create a new agency—the Dignity Protection Administration—whose sole job is just to stand next to TSA agents and make sure they don't do anything dumb. One thing that the DPA could do, for instance, is prevent TSA agents from opening jars containing people's…
Today in perversely satisfying news: A 59-year-old woman was going through security at Southwest Florida International Airport when she threw down her bags and theatrically groped a TSA supervisor's crotch. The woman, Carol Jean Price, says she was just demonstrating the aggressive groping she'd just received from a…
A new app will allow people to report alleged racial profiling by the TSA in real time.
Complaints of TSA agents getting way too up close and personal while searching passengers have sprung up from virtually every corner of society. Supermodel Bar Refaeli recently took to her Twitter account to say she'd been felt up by one agent, and Rep. Francisco Canseco publicly accused the TSA of assault after he…
Just as male politicians attempting to enact legislation that governs the "intrapants marital familiarity area" seem incapable of saying the word "vagina," so too do our terrorism-fighting friends in the Transportation Security Administration. It seems that as they're combing America's walkers, wheelchairs, and…
