Welcome to Midweek Madness, Jezebel’s weekly tabloid roundup. This week, everyone’s freaking out about Meghan Markle’s pregnancy—not to be confused with “mpreg.”

Kensington Palace & co went balls-out on #RoyalWedding 3, an event aired on ITV (BBC passed) for the diehard royal fandom, at a reported $2.6 million expense to British taxpayers. They–or contingent advertisers or the tourism board or media or whatever–were determined that you will warm up to the idea of Princess…

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was a massive, international media event that garnered top-tier news coverage from around the world. It was a story presumed to be of general interest. The wedding of Harry’s cousin, Princess Eugenie, is a little different.

Guests at the royal wedding of Princess Eugenie to Jack Brooksbank will be asked to hand their phones over before entering. Also, don’t bring a gift. Why you would bring a gift to an 850-person party in the first place, I don’t know.

The BBC reportedly doesn’t want Princess Eugenie’s wedding to Jack Brooksbank, but the monarchist show must go on! Hence the palace has rolled out the commemorative English fine bone china, emblazoned with the couple’s monogram.

In a victory for lovers of kitschy costume jewelry reproductions the world over, the Buckingham Palace gift shop is now selling Meghan Markle’s engagement ring, priced to move at £30.

If you missed the royal wedding itself, you have a second chance to come almost close enough to touch the hem of the happy couple’s regal garments, because Meghan’s dress is going on display.

I was going to make the lead story in this morning’s Dirt Bag about Roseanne begging “like 40 motherfuckers” at ABC to not cancel her show, but then I realized, Bob, it’s Friday, and that’s no fun. So, because we could all use a reprieve from this endless cycle of news about a “racist idiot,” let’s begin with…

I’m not proud of the amount I spent on royal wedding shit, but nor am I entirely ashamed. Come on—how many royal weddings am I going to attend? This is both true, and my justification for purchasing way too much (wonderful) junk.

Last week, the Daily Mail featured quotes from designer Emilia Wickstead in which she seemed to suggest that she thought Meghan Markle’s wedding dress rather close to her own label’s work and also Markle’s wispy ’do was wrong for the regal occasion. Now, Wickstead has released a statement saying that she sees no…

Every fairy tale has its peasants; the existence of royalty demands the existence of subjects. Princes and princesses, kings and queens, put you in the position of watching, assigning you the role of witness to their power. Spectacle is one of the most powerful tools left to the Windsors, and they wield it expertly.

Meghan Markle has already stepped into her role as the Duchess of Sussex with the ease, grace, and dignity befitting a Suits star, but we at Dirtcast are not quite ready to let these beautiful, British nuptials go into that good night.

Whether you watched the wedding or not, some image from the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s holy union has found a way to embed itself in your brain. Media coverage was inescapable, and Twitter will be reminding me of Harry’s lip bite for all eternity. The Royal Family, however, is choosing to document the day in a far…

Windsor—What does it take to get the perfect shot of the newly married Harry and Meghan from the cheap seats? Turns out it’s a £25 fleece Union Jack blanket, three pairs of socks, four cups of wildly overpriced coffee, and the kindness of several royal enthusiast strangers.

In the approximate 2.6 billion years since Harry and Meghan announced their engagement by matching beaded bracelets from their trip to Botswana where they spent five days camping out together above the Boteti River–facts I know–I have learned more about Meghan Markle than I know about my own medical history. I know…

As previously reported, Meghan and Harry’s royal wedding sermon, delivered by American Bishop Michael Curry, brought American black culture to the fore of an aging, all-white, and fairly racist monarchical structure. Another truly moving force was the British gospel choir Karen Gibson and the Kingdom Choir, who sang…

Even from this side of the pond, racism surrounding the royal wedding has sounded loud and clear, from Princess Michael’s decision to wear a “Blackamoor” black servant brooch to meet Meghan to British tabloids’ incessant, unprompted mentions of Meghan Markle’s race, using references like “straight outta Compton,” and…

For most people (my mom and the Lifetime channel) royal wedding frenzy is about living a vicarious Cinderella dream or whatever; for me, it is the dream that somewhere, someday, maybe I, too, can strap a lily pad on my head. Few occasions exist on American soil in which hats, much less fascinators, are legitimate…

Windsor—I’d been in Windsor less than 30 minutes on Thursday morning when I spotted Hoda Kotb, host of the Today Show, ambling around in a light pink coat. Moments later, CBS This Morning anchor Gayle King passed by, calling out: “Hoda, you have fun!”

When Meghan Markle announced that her father would not be attending her demented, vaguely Brexit-themed amusement park ride on Saturday, the good money was on her mother, Doria Ragland, taking over and walking Markle down the aisle. But those odds were shattered into a million pieces by the combined forces of the…