Welcome to Midweek Madness, Jezebel’s weekly tabloid roundup where we decide once and for all whether Olivia Culpo wore it better. (She did.)

What a terrible time to be alive. Except for today. Because it is Midweek Madness, Jezebel’s weekly tabloid roundup where People tries to gavage les Gaines down my gullet like one of them mistreated geese.

Time to check in with Harry and Meghan as their royal tour winds down; the pair have made their way to New Zealand, where they briefly spent some time “welly wanging.” What, you may ask, is welly wanging? It’s a sport that involves hurling a Wellington boot as far as possible.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, Jezebel’s weekly tabloid roundup. This week, everyone’s freaking out about Meghan Markle’s pregnancy—not to be confused with “mpreg.”

In 1999, Australia held a referendum on whether to become a republic, deciding whether to chuck out Queen Elizabeth II as their technical head of state in favor of an elected official. It failed, but the country is chugging along toward another try. And I know how this koala will be voting!

Good morning! Meghan Markle is pregnant. It’s official, it’s confirmed, and they’re past the three-month mark.

This pains me.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where the Meghans are Markle and the only winner of the gig economy is reality star-turned-deep stealth sponconista Olivia Culpo.

Picture this: Prince Harry roaming around his corner of Kensington Palace, warbling the lyrics to various songs from Hamilton. Apparently that’s a glimpse inside his and Meghan’s life together!

If you missed the royal wedding itself, you have a second chance to come almost close enough to touch the hem of the happy couple’s regal garments, because Meghan’s dress is going on display.

What’s next for Harry and Meghan, other than a series of royal tours to bolster Brand Britain around the world after the United Kingdom shut its collective finger in the car door with Brexit? Getting a dog, obviously.

A simple yes or no will do! But all I get are “sources” and signs from tabloids. Not the confirmation I crave. You see I need to know so that I can plan my own vacation…from the Internet.

Duchess Meghan’s father Thomas Markle appeared on Piers Morgan’s talk show Monday morning for a friendly conversation and, you know, to make up for all the press coverage he’s lost since the Royal Wedding, which he was unable to attend for health reasons.

Oh. Canada.

Meghan Markle has already stepped into her role as the Duchess of Sussex with the ease, grace, and dignity befitting a Suits star, but we at Dirtcast are not quite ready to let these beautiful, British nuptials go into that good night.

Windsor—What does it take to get the perfect shot of the newly married Harry and Meghan from the cheap seats? Turns out it’s a £25 fleece Union Jack blanket, three pairs of socks, four cups of wildly overpriced coffee, and the kindness of several royal enthusiast strangers.

In the approximate 2.6 billion years since Harry and Meghan announced their engagement by matching beaded bracelets from their trip to Botswana where they spent five days camping out together above the Boteti River–facts I know–I have learned more about Meghan Markle than I know about my own medical history. I know…

As previously reported, Meghan and Harry’s royal wedding sermon, delivered by American Bishop Michael Curry, brought American black culture to the fore of an aging, all-white, and fairly racist monarchical structure. Another truly moving force was the British gospel choir Karen Gibson and the Kingdom Choir, who sang…

Even from this side of the pond, racism surrounding the royal wedding has sounded loud and clear, from Princess Michael’s decision to wear a “Blackamoor” black servant brooch to meet Meghan to British tabloids’ incessant, unprompted mentions of Meghan Markle’s race, using references like “straight outta Compton,” and…

London—As somebody whose long-running fascinations include fairy tales, romance novels, and the stubborn persistence of monarchy, how could I possibly miss the opportunity to get as close as possible to that rarest of birds: a real, live American princess?