This pains me.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where the Meghans are Markle and the only winner of the gig economy is reality star-turned-deep stealth sponconista Olivia Culpo.

Picture this: Prince Harry roaming around his corner of Kensington Palace, warbling the lyrics to various songs from Hamilton. Apparently that’s a glimpse inside his and Meghan’s life together!

If you missed the royal wedding itself, you have a second chance to come almost close enough to touch the hem of the happy couple’s regal garments, because Meghan’s dress is going on display.

What’s next for Harry and Meghan, other than a series of royal tours to bolster Brand Britain around the world after the United Kingdom shut its collective finger in the car door with Brexit? Getting a dog, obviously.

A simple yes or no will do! But all I get are “sources” and signs from tabloids. Not the confirmation I crave. You see I need to know so that I can plan my own vacation…from the Internet.

Duchess Meghan’s father Thomas Markle appeared on Piers Morgan’s talk show Monday morning for a friendly conversation and, you know, to make up for all the press coverage he’s lost since the Royal Wedding, which he was unable to attend for health reasons.

Oh. Canada.

Meghan Markle has already stepped into her role as the Duchess of Sussex with the ease, grace, and dignity befitting a Suits star, but we at Dirtcast are not quite ready to let these beautiful, British nuptials go into that good night.

Windsor—What does it take to get the perfect shot of the newly married Harry and Meghan from the cheap seats? Turns out it’s a £25 fleece Union Jack blanket, three pairs of socks, four cups of wildly overpriced coffee, and the kindness of several royal enthusiast strangers.

In the approximate 2.6 billion years since Harry and Meghan announced their engagement by matching beaded bracelets from their trip to Botswana where they spent five days camping out together above the Boteti River–facts I know–I have learned more about Meghan Markle than I know about my own medical history. I know…

As previously reported, Meghan and Harry’s royal wedding sermon, delivered by American Bishop Michael Curry, brought American black culture to the fore of an aging, all-white, and fairly racist monarchical structure. Another truly moving force was the British gospel choir Karen Gibson and the Kingdom Choir, who sang…

Even from this side of the pond, racism surrounding the royal wedding has sounded loud and clear, from Princess Michael’s decision to wear a “Blackamoor” black servant brooch to meet Meghan to British tabloids’ incessant, unprompted mentions of Meghan Markle’s race, using references like “straight outta Compton,” and…

London—As somebody whose long-running fascinations include fairy tales, romance novels, and the stubborn persistence of monarchy, how could I possibly miss the opportunity to get as close as possible to that rarest of birds: a real, live American princess?

There are some 90 hours left until Meghan Markle and Prince Harry tie the knot in Westminster Abbey, and this week’s news that the bride’s ailing father, Thomas, suddenly decided not to attend has reportedly thrown the previously happy couple—as well as the Royal Family at large—into full-blown chaos mode.

Kensington Palace has announced that Meghan Markle will not have a maid of honor, declining to pick a favorite from among her friends. Leaves more room for her small herd of young bridesmaids and page boys, which is fantastic news for fans of hilarious bridal fashions for kids—which I assume is everyone.

I cannot stop looking at this picture of Prince Harry and Justin Trudeau. Are they swapping Toronto dinner recs? Is does Prince Harry belong to Canada now, even though he is marrying an American? Could they be talking about how desperately they miss Barack?

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will marry on May 19. But before then, on May 13, Lifetime will release a fictionalized movie about their romance and courtship, and let me tell you, these 20 scintillating seconds look like a lot of fun.

Author Tom Bower has delivered to royal gossip media a gift basket to last til the end of our lives, via the Daily Mail. The excerpt from his new book Rebel Prince: The Power, Passion and Defiance of Prince Charles, is a straightforward list of requirements to accommodate Prince Charles’s travel, dietary, and bowel…

Quick question: have you ever made Jennifer Garner sad? I mean, like, have you ever done something that had a direct—we’re talking causal—relationship to Jennifer Garner becoming sad? Ben Affleck certainly has. As has Scott Foley. Maybe even Bradley Cooper and/or Victor Garber! (Though who’s to say for certain.) The…