Trump Thinks Kim Jong Un Is a 'Smart Cookie,' Would Totally Meet With Him

Donald Trump—the human equivalent of a teenage boy slumber party abundant in erections and pimples—has lately engaged in some tough guy talk regarding North Korea. And in turn, North Korea’s government has suggested that Trump stop tweeting pugnacious nonsense if he doesn’t want trouble. But amidst these crackling…

State Senator Demands Release Of Melania Trump's Immigration Documents

California State Senator Nancy Skinner of Berkeley—one of the many legislators who objects to President Trump’s targeted travel ban—has called for the release of Melania Trump’s immigration papers. This demand is tied to a more general protest against the executive order so toxic to the welfare of thousands of…

Trump Designates His Inauguration Day 'National Day Of Patriotic Devotion'

Donald Trump, a clump of moldering chickpeas and the 45th President of the United States, is quite agitated over the prevailing negative response to his inauguration: the dinky crowd, the roaring protests, the tweets — oh the tweets! So, what’s our churlish presidential meat pie to do? The answer, my pals, is obvious:…

Trump, a Sore Winner, Baselessly Attributes Popular Vote Loss to Voter Fraud

President-elect Donald Trump, a radioactive double chin with a Twitter account, has demonstrated time and again that his skin—though infused with neon bacteria—is perilously thin. And now, as Hillary Clinton’s popular vote steadily eclipses his own, and as Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein begins submitting …

Donald Trump's Conflicts Of Interest Dwarf Those Of Previous Presidents

Because the United States has elected Donald Trump—a toxic Hot Pocket glued to a micropenis—to serve as our nation’s president, it’s crucial to parse the conflicts of interest that might influence his judgment while in office. Unsurprisingly, the boundary between his political and business endeavors is a feeble one.