Ranch Dressing Is Perfect, So Don't Even Try to Improve It
This morning, my colleague Megan Reynolds alerted the Jezebel staff to a disturbing piece of information. Someone…
Can We Not Do 'Januhairy,' Please?
Run your fingers along your legs. Do you feel stubble? Do you feel bristles of long, unruly hair? If you, like me, live…
Fuller House Made It to a Fourth Season, How
I’m still not sure who the target demographic is for the Netflix-helmed reboot of Full House is, but I guess they’re…
The Property Brothers Scripted Series Will Be the Thing That Finally Kills Me Dead
The Property Brothers are two big and tall boys who sort of know how to do home renovation; they are also illusionists…
Report: President Has Mushroom Dick
Stormy Daniels’s presidential tell-all Full Disclosure isn’t out yet, but the Guardian snagged a copy, which is why we…
Did We Forget Robert Pattinson Hates Twilight?
When asked about Twilight in a recent interview with Variety, Robert Pattinson said he feels like he “stopped mentally…
The Curse of American Idol Endures
We may never be free from the reanimated corpse of American Idol, which is more proof to me that hell is real.
No One Wants to Wear a Going-Out Top Ever Again
The powers that be at Vogue are at it again, singing the praises of loathesome trends which, if they have their way,…
Is There Literally 1 Person in the World Who Wants This 9/11 Movie?
When you hear the words “nine” and “11” said in succession do you think “Whoopi Goldberg in a wig that sits back and…
Rihanna Is Bubble
Are you Bubble? Am I Bubble? Is a bubble Bubble? No! But I know who is Bubble, and would love to share the news.
The Devil Loves This
Scene: The Devil sits on his West Elm Peggy sofa, channel-surfing in black harem pants and a hoodie with flames on it…
When Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban Want to Bone, They Tell Their Kids They Need 'Kissy-Kissy Time'
Here is a helpful parenting suggestion from me, a woman who does not have children but might someday: if you want to…
Paper Forced to Close Comments On Mall Of America's First Black Santa Thanks to Racism
Earlier this week, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune ran a nice story about the Mall of America’s first black Santa. Larry…
Lorretta Sanchez, Girl, Don't Do That
California Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez and state Attorney General Kamala Harris are both running for Senate, which is…
Please Do Not Do This to Avocados or Hamburgers
This image you see here is a representation of the evils that Instagram hath wrought on normal, regular food that you…
If We're Going to End Up Drinking Cockroach Milk, Maybe the World Should Be Over
A lot of signs are pointing to this being the end of times, but the fact that scientists are investigating how to…
Meghan Trainor's Voting Record Is 'No'
Meghan Trainor, fierce advocate for body positivity, independence, and telling lecherous men your phone number is two…
Mike Huckabee Yells Into the Void, 'Male Lives Matter'
This weekend, Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas and self-appointed spokesman for emptiness, told Fox News that…
Ansel Elgort, This Is the Last Straw
Since the moment of his birth in the year 1994, and most acutely since he gave an interview revealing that his perfect…
Woman Wearing 'Stop Domestic Violence' Shirt Charged with Menacing Her Husband With a Gun
This week in the bad kind of irony, a woman was arrested for menacing her husband with a gun, accused of firing it in…