...S-E-X. Sex! Sex!!!!!

Well hi hello, folks! I'm sorry to have forsaken you last week, but when I received word that Eggplant Friday was no longer in the tournament, I had to be airlifted to an emotional rejuvenation retreat where I was locked in a cryotherapy chamber for several days.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Yes, you.

It all comes down to this. Drugs vs. Alcohol. Caffeine vs. Champagne. Whereas all men must die, one March Madness competitor can live forever as the God of Inebriation. Your vote decides which will be remembered (and forgotten) as the substance that tried and failed and which will achieve immortality in our hearts and…

Booze hounds and dope fiends, we have arrived at the March Madness: Drugs vs. Alcohol Final Four and soon — within mere days — this violent, furious competition will come to a close with only one winner. Looks like we've come to the eeeeeend of the roooooad and still I can't let these drugs and alcohols go.

SPORTS LANGUAGE! EVEN MORE INTENSE SPORTS LANGUAGE! ALL-CAPS! WELCOME TO MARCH MADNESS DRUGS VS. ALCOHOL'S TOOOOOOOOOOP EEEEEEEIGHT.

I'm shakin'! I got the sweats! The doctor says I have a fever and the only cure is moooooooooooore MARCH MADNESS.

March Madness marches on: So much booze. So many drugs. So little time.

SWEET SASSY MOLASSY! We've reached the end of the top 32, which means next week we'll be knee deep in the Sweet Sixteen! How time flies! Now, like they do in the Hunger Games, let us honor our fallen tributes.

March Madness marches on! Today we have some really interesting games. Are you into Quaaludes? Bath Salts? Jack Daniels? Red Wine? You've come to the right place.

Print out your bracket, place your bets, throw on your team colors and heat up some nachos because March Madness 2014: Drugs vs. Alcohol BEGINS. RIGHT. NOW.

Not to be dramatic, but this has been the sort of winter that made much of America want to unzip its Old Navy performance fleece vest, gently place it neatly folded in a snowbank, and curl up in a ball in the subzero night, waiting for death's sweet release to lead us like lambs out of pain and into oblivion. As such,…