Strawberry Shortcake must use this line at some point: "You thought life was going to be a bowl of cherries, but now:

Rio cheated on Jem with Barbie. Trust me, it happened in a living room in Laurel, MD in 1991.

You will be sorry, Vogue, when old dumpling-legged broads like me sashay down the streets this summer sans pants. Oh


Want Jezebel’s email newsletter?