We made it. Did we make it? Oh shit. I don’t think we did.

After holding in an asteroid-sized shit for over a week, Donald Trump finally expelled his bowels onto Twitter Friday morning with the odious tweet you know he’s been wanting to write ever since Christine Blasey Ford came forward about Brett Kavanaugh. Here it is:

Anyone else feel like today was a zillion hours long? Or is that just the news cycle?

Ivanka Trump has weighed in on the Brett Kavanaugh sexual assault allegations in her familiar (and routinely ineffective) way, according to a report from Vanity Fair. 

Barf? In my bag? It’s more common than you think…

The Royal Trumpet mushroom, also known as the King Oyster mushroom, has a “delicate, nutty flavor with firm texture and long shelf life,” according to Country Fresh Mushrooms, a retail cooperative of independent mushroom farms in the United States.

The White House is launching a public relations campaign in the hopes of salvaging Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court nomination and ushering in a new era of American conservatism on the high court.

Stormy Daniels’s presidential tell-all Full Disclosure isn’t out yet, but the Guardian snagged a copy, which is why we now have a working description of Donald Trump’s dick.

Please learn from my mistakes and stay off Twitter today and all days, my friends.

I know that headlines have been resembling Mad Libs for the past two years or so, but one I saw on TMZ early Monday morning is one of the most ridiculous examples in some time. TWO CELEBRITIES: Tom Arnold, Mark Burnett. PAST TENSE VERB: Choked. EVENT: Emmy’s party. RESULT: TOM ARNOLD – MARK BURNETT CHOKED ME AT…

If you’re in the path of that bich Florence please STAY SAFE!

Buried in the index—and largely ignored by the many breathless reviews of Bob Woodward’s Fear: Trump in the White House—are perhaps the six most important words in the entire book:

A group of Washington D.C. residents are trying to revoke the Trump International Hotel’s liquor license, which would mean that Trump’s cronies could no longer imbibe adult beverages or drunkenly pal around with their racist friends at the venue. It’s so stupid and petty and I love it.

You guys I’m sorry I barfed in the bag. :[

I too hate it when my enemies are talking publicly about how to bring me down.

Donald Trump is a man who loves women, particularly how grabbable her pussy is.

President Donald Trump was holding court at a rally in Montana Thursday evening where he of course tried to pan the anonymous review of him in the New York Times again, only this time it came out extra sloppy.

On planes...in the woods...in the White House...

Rudy Giuliani, a restless ghoul who haunts the White House, does not trust the New York Times or, for that matter, any piece of text. Must be hard.

Melania Trump refused to appear with husband Donald Trump in the wake of the infamous Access Hollywood tape, according to Bob Woodward’s book of oh-so-juicy White House intrigue and strife. Mostly strife. And yelling, lots of yelling.