The trailer for the new Bake Off has arrived! It does not feature Paul Hollywood or any of the new hosts or even the tent. Instead, it’s a parade of smiling, singing, Gumby-like animated baked treats, including at least two that rather cutely spit up. Charming, or horrifying?

A very dishy report in a British tabloid alleges that things are going poorly behind the scenes at the jam-smeared zombie that once was beloved franchise Bake Off. Tea time!

Channel 4 has announced its new, post Mary/Sue/Mel Bake Off roster. Hmm. Hmmmm.

Yet another prominent Bake Off personality will be sticking with the BBC rather than following the franchise to Channel 4: Last season’s winner, Nadiya Hussain.

And now, for the latest bulletin from the great British pastry conflagration: Seems the BBC has no intention of letting slip its grip on the Victoria sponge-scented enthusiasm of the UK (and indeed the world), and reportedly plans to launched a competitor to Bake Off, now that the show has fucked off to Channel 4.

Today you might want to check in on your friend the United Kingdom because she’s had a bit of a rough patch and now, on top of everything else, twinkly-eyed culinary legend Mary Berry is leaving Bake Off.

What is your vision of hell? My vision of hell is being selected as a presenter for a TV baking competition and being unable to taste the desserts because I’m stuck on a low-carb diet.