Taco Bell, we need to talk.
Listen, I know it's probably been a rough few years for you, now that suburban hellscapes that once boasted Little Caesars and Taco Johns and Long John Silvers as far as the eye could see are now sprouting a young crop of Chipotles and QDobas and whatever the nutritional opposite of Chik fil A is. And with that invading army of fast food healthy dining cosplayers comes a dwindling set of reasons to eat at Taco Bell. Unless you're blazed out of your gourd, logic informs us that a 69 cent meat taco can't be ingested without serious stomach-and-butt-related consequences.
But dwindling consumer desirability is no reason to do anything rash, Taco Bell. And it's especially no excuse for what's about to happen in four test markets around the country: the breakfast waffle taco.
I'm not talking like an egg/chorizo/avocado taco with tomatillo salsa like the kind you'd get at a reasonable neighborhood brunch place. I'm talking a fucking folded up waffle filled with a sausage patty and those scrambled fast food eggs that have the mouthfeel of congealed pudding.
How is this even a fucking taco? Because it's foldy? In that case, does every food become a taco if you fold it? Is a slice of New York style pizza folded for ease in eating suddenly a pizza taco? If I took a fruit roll up and folded it with some Gushers inside, would that be a sugar taco (note to self: do this.)? If I spread peanut butter on a slice of bread and then fold the bread in half am I eating a peanut butter taco? NO, you shameless fucks. NO I AM NOT.
How dare you besmirch the good name of taco with this culinary abortion, Taco Bell? What if a child sees this?
Despite this food item's clear violation of everything that is holy about tacos and bells, the waffle taco will debut on the menus of about 100 Taco Bells in Fresno, Omaha, and Chattanooga starting on Thursday morning. Taco Bell, how could you? People are going to line up for this. Terrible people. They're going to be very smug about eating one of the dumbest and easy-to-duplicate food items in the world. At least with the cronut there was so mystery. At least with the ramen burger there was invention. All a person would have to do to make their own "WAFFLE TACO" would be fold an Eggo waffle in half and put some crap in it and dip it in some syrup. Anyone with a sink full of dishes and a freezer full of one-step breakfast food could have figured this out. I won't stand for it. I refuse to offer my worship to mediocrity.
Also— sigh— I kinda want one.