Earlier this month, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback and notorious mouth-kisser Tom Brady was curiously absent from 11 days of training camp—a crucial time for developing team chemistry in the lead-up to the NFL regular season. Rumors circulated that the 45-year-old had been MIA because he’d been taping a top-secret episode of the reality series The Masked Singer, or that he’d begun to question his decision to un-retire from football. When asked why he’d missed practice, he vaguely told reporters, “It’s all personal…everyone’s got different situations they’re dealing with. We all have really unique challenges to our life. I’m 45 years old, man. There’s a lot of shit going on.”
Citing “personal” reasons is a catchall for many possible scenarios: Perhaps a relative passed away; perhaps he had severe diarrhea from a bad oyster; or perhaps, as someone as obsessed with the demise of the Bündchens as myself might suggest, Brady’s wife and mother of his children Gisele Bündchen had gone scorched-earth and dumped his sorry ass. My suspicions may have been premature at the time, but I smelled something. It reeked of smoke and ashes. Something burnt, something…gone. And as they say, where there’s the stench of a fart, there’s likely poop particles already in your mouth.
On Friday morning, sources confirmed my suspicions, telling Page Six that the couple was, in fact, going through it. In an “epic fight,” Bündchen has reportedly fled their family compound in Tampa for Costa Rica following a “series of heated arguments” over Brady’s last-minute decision to un-retire from the NFL. The couple’s reps both declined to comment on the matter.
The outlet’s mysterious sources say the couple had agreed that after 22 seasons and seven Super Bowl wins, Brady would retire from the sport to help out with the kids—to, you know, be a helpful and present life partner and not just a man who can throw things really, really far and accurately. But he suddenly revoked that promise, announcing in March that he was rejoining the league and proving to himself one last time that he could do it, he could fucking do it, because grizly man still capable of playing sports ball!!! A second source added, “Gisele has always been the one with the kids…it’s almost like Gisele was like, ‘Well, if you’re going to keep playing, so will I.’ She’s resentful that Tom is still the football superstar.”
It’s not that I take any particular joy in the potential downfall of a couple so wealthy they could each simply buy another partner to love them. But for six long months, I’ve been on the scent of their romantic demise like a shark out for for blood, simply because I want nothing more than for Gisele to become a feminist antihero. For more than a decade, Gisele has been the primary caregiver for children Benjamin, 14, and Vivian, 9, as well as Jack, Brady’s 15-year-old son with ex Bridget Moynahan, conveniently also a model.
Gisele, darling, Tom is just a middle-aged dirtbag, and you are the star of a new Burberry campaign! As someone intimately familiar with the emotional costs of domestic labor, you could become an advocate for state-paid childcare and salaries for motherhood! Now is the time to accept your mantle as the next great socialist. Profit off that conventionally (and ridiculously) attractive body of yours for life, and show Brady the divine feminine energy he’s been missing all these years just so he could skull-bang his competitors and throw things!
The lesson my friends is this: Trust your gut, and when it comes to choosing sides between Gisele and Mr. Gisele, you pick Gisele every goddamn time.