Decorated Quarterback Decides One More Year Alone with the Kids Won’t Kill Wife

Tom Brady big. Tom Brady strong. Tom Brady must win more rings, must be oldest football player ever, and, therefore, will be manliest man ever!!!!!

Or, at least, that’s what I imagine is going through the head of the 44-year-old quarterback, who just announced he’d be returning to the NFL for his 23rd season in the league… roughly one month after he announced his long-anticipated retirement. Some women have had periods longer than this man’s retirement.

That’s all fine and dandy for his fans and betting fanatics, albeit unfortunate for the poor soul who spent half a mil’ on Brady’s “last” game ball. But for supermodel Gisele Bündchen, Brady’s wife and the mother of their two children who’s been keeping the family’s world spinning for the last 13 years while her husband glugs 25 glasses of water and perfects his gameday almond butter and jelly sando? Eh, Brady thinks she’ll be just fine holding down the fort one more year. EXCEPT NO SHE WON’T!!

Where was Brady over the last two years? Wait, this is a hypothetical question, obviously I’m aware that Brady had his head too far up league commissioner Roger Goodell’s ass to be even remotely aware of the pandemic’s impact on mothers. Mothers were calling scream hotlines to vent their frustrations — which is to say they were losing their fucking minds. Mothers were left feeling “forgotten” as the majority of caregiving responsibilities fell disproportionately upon their shoulders. And mothers were left with no options but to leave the workforce in the millions.

Of course, Gisele is not all mothers, considering she is very rich (not spaceship douchelord billionaire rich, but like $400 million rich) and surely has plenty of help and capital to keep the kids occupied. But Mr. Gisele has repeatedly told the press that Gisele, who is the breadwinner by the way, had gone all martyr Teresa to support his decades-long career, and that if he were ever to retire, it would be to spend more time with his family so he doesn’t miss anymore of his kids’ “stuff.”

“I think my wife has, you know, held down the house for a long time now, and I think there’s things that she wants to accomplish,” he said during a 2021 episode of his “Let’s Go” podcast. “You know, she hasn’t worked as much in the last 10, 12 years just raising our family and kind of committing to being in a life in Boston and then moving to Florida.” During an episode of The Late Late Show With James Corden, Mr. Gisele also spoke of a time in the wake of his 2021 Tampa Super Bowl win when Gisele had asked him, “What more do you have to prove?” He hugged her and admitted, “I was trying to figure out a way to change the subject really quick.”

When we talk about toxic masculinity, this is precisely what we mean: After seven Super Bowl rings and his most recent championship just one year in the rearview, one of the most accomplished athletes on earth is still convinced he is not enough and is risking his marriage and god-knows-what so he can be the best, the last, the oldest, or what-the-fuck-ever superlatives are left. I’d suggest therapy as a first stop (as I do for all straight men) so he can unpack the true meaning of the “unfinished business” he seeks to find in the game of football. As it stands, the only thing that appears unfinished to me is his insatiable ego and his need to nut all over his haters and prove that he’s still got it. Babe, it’s just one more night out with the guys! A couple beers and then I’m home! Except the beers are Lombardis, and Brady’s getting wasted on ‘em.

Anyways, apparently Giselle can go fuck herself, she’s got the kids and the house and didn’t want a career of her own anyway, right???