Stubborn Asteroid Refuses, Once Again, to Strike Earth

Illustration for article titled Stubborn Asteroid Refuses, Once Again, to Strike Earth
Image: Morgan Sette (Getty Images)

Nearly a full year has gone by since New Yorkers were asked to go into their tiny homes and stay there for two weeks or so—until this coronavirus situation sorted itself out. So much has happened since then: America’s favorite governor has shit the bed, Shailene Woodley discovered the NFL, the Potato Head family came out. I believe at some point there was an election. Who can remember it all? But what has not happened, despite the begging and pleading of the masses, is an asteroid crashing into earth and putting everyone but the cockroaches out of their misery—planetary reset button sent from the skies.


According to EarthSky a “potentially hazardous” asteroid that is almost as large as the Golden Gate Bridge will not be hitting the earth. Instead it will whizz right by on March 21st, leaving earthlings to languish in unending purgatory. It is the biggest known asteroid to avoid hitting this planet this year and will also be the fastest traveling 21 miles per second.

What’s particularly insulting about this asteroid refusing to crash into Earth is that it’s passed by us before and will pass by us again in 2052, the year we will hopefully be allowed to go to movie theaters again. This year is the closest the asteroid has ever been to the planet and yet the big space rock still sees no value in traveling a brief million miles slightly to the left to do a little damage: trigger the walking dead, bring dinosaurs back, or really anything at all.

What is the point of being an asteroid if you don’t destroy human life? Just hit us!