Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.
It’s been a difficult summer, hasn’t it? Darkness, divorce, and Noel de Lesseps’ disappointing single “Covered in Pam” have all rendered us unmoored, bloated with melancholy. Luckily for everyone, Justin Bieber just got a brand new ‘do, and I’m wondering whether you would have sex with him?
This is a big moment, just to be clear, as Justin Bieber is the very essence of Would U?. If Would University had a required introductory course, unit 1 would be “The Biebs.” If Would University had a campus outside of our dirty hearts, it would be on a gigantic leaking ship off the coast of Ibiza, and there would be a statue of Justin Bieber on its prow.
So, would you do it?
What about now?
Would you dry Justin Bieber’s disappointed tears backstage after he missed his marks at the VMAs, tracing his faint mustache hairs with your fingernails before taking him passionately in the backseat of Scooter Braun’s SUV? Would you lick Justin Bieber’s chest with an erotic glint in your eyes, like the Moldovan model in his “What Do You Mean?” video who’s getting death threats now? Would you hold him in your arms afterwards, assuring him that no, his new haircut did not make him look like Kate Gosselin, and no, his red carpet outfit did not make him look like an 8th grade teacher who was trying too hard on her first day at charter school?
The staff of Jezebel had some interesting thoughts on the matter:
Madeleine: Hard no.
Hillary: No, but I’d sleep with Shane from the L Word. What does that mean?
Erin: I’d do it but I’d feel really bad about it, probably during.
Kelly: He does not seem like he’d be a good lay.
Erin: I’d accidentally catch a glimpse of his intense sex face and I’d have to look away.
Joanna: Just stopping by to echo that hard no.
Julianne: It super depends on the circumstances.
Kate: He’s a little baby.
Julianne: Like, if I felt like he thought he was “WINNING” then hell nah, but it might be funny depending on how much game he was putting on.
Julianne: If he was going hard, I probably would.
Julianne: (Going hard with game to the point of it being funny, to clarify)
Kelly: Oh god he’s barely 21. Definitely not.
Julianne: KELLY! LET ME COUG
Kelly: I mean nothing but respect for other people’s choices!
Emma: I wouldn’t. My love for Biebs is separate from his body okay?
Jia: You wouldn’t even do it to know what it was like?
Emma: I don’t think so.
Emma: Who can know...
Don’t let their dissent sway you—several of these staffers appear to be in denial, most especially Known Belieber Emma Carmichael. It’s time to vote, and I advise that you tell the truth.
Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with Paul Brown, the CEO of Arby’s? What if you had to eat an Arby’s sandwich first? 26% said “I would have sex with Paul Brown, but not if I had to eat an Arby’s sandwich”; 25% said “Yes, and I consider the sandwich an extra incentive”; 22% said “Yes! I’d let him give me heartburn any day of the week”; 17% said “I would not allow any of the above inside m body”; and 10% said “I would eat an Arby’s sandwich, but I would not have sex with Paul Brown.”
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