Stealing This Tiara Was a Radical Feminist Act (By Me)

Authorities say that unknown persons have stolen the so-called Portland Tiara, a century-old piece worth millions of pounds, from a stately home in Nottinghamshire. It was, of course, me.* And I will have you know that, as a feminist, I will not apologize.


The tiara “was created for Winifred, Duchess of Portland, to wear to the 1902 coronation of King Edward VII,” the BBC said, adding that, “The burglars broke into the Portland Collection Gallery between 21:45 and 22:00 GMT on Tuesday and snatched the object as alarms sounded.” The cops found a burned-out silver Audi S5 nearby, which they believed was used by the guilty parties.

Of course I cannot reveal my methods. However, if I might have a moment of your time, I would like to reveal my rationale—my manifesto, really.

For too long, the business of daring, cinematic heists has been dominated by men—particularly jewel theft. [Citation needed?] This is a state of affairs which cannot and must not continue. It is time for women to break the glass display case and take their proper place within the ranks of the world’s most elite jewel thieves. Why should men get all the attention for, say, stealing Swedish crown jewels, escaping on bicycles and escaping into a nearby network of lakes? Women are just as capable. It’s just that we don’t know how to negotiate, and we are discouraged from self-promoting! Well, it’s time to do a little tooting of our own horns—after, of course, hiding all traces of legally admissible evidence and depositing the proceeds in an offshore bank account inaccessible to the FBI and IRS.

Really, it was an act of self-care. I needed that tiara in order to produce my best blogs. Am I to deny myself, simply because I am a woman? No!

I would like to thank the cast of Ocean’s 8 for awakening me to the importance of reaching parity with men in the arena of grand larceny. Couldn’t have done it without your incredible example, ladies.

*Please do not arrest me.



I would have guessed it was Cannibal Witch, based on her general level of badassery.