Here’s why White Claw should be canceled. Follow Jezebel’s Cancel Tournament to see what ultimately gets canceled
Have you heard of White Claw, the drink poised to take over the beverage landscape as the most aggressively-promoted piss concoction in the waning hours of the decade? No worries if you haven’t, because just about every media outlet and prestige publication—not this one though, because we’re the smartest!—was determined to do the heavy lifting for every ad agency out there this summer. Maybe you were one of those eponymous millennials who killed the beer industry, or you were determined to give up wine, only to fall into the clutches of the ironic seltzer trend turned grocery store panic via memes your coworkers shared on Twitter, an app no one should be using anyway. Don’t worry, though! I’m here to save you, because White Claw is fucking dead.
It brings me an excess of joy to say this, even if there is currently a “variety pack” of White Claw sitting in my fridge. While perfect for the noncommittal 20-something desperate for their next great fix and incapable of deciding between 12 adequately flavored cans of fizzy water, none of the flavors included are actually good. “Black raspberry” tastes somewhere between Victoria’s Secret body mist and what would happen if you microwaved a pack of Gushers, while the “lime” variety is what happens when you muddle a margarita with the sweat that sits between your ass cheeks on a hot summer day. I won’t even bother with the “mango” and “ruby grapefruit” flavors. Have some respect for yourself before pounding one of these, please?
Every single person I have spoken to, deep in the throes of their White Claw habit, has told me that the drink is best enjoyed when “mixed with something.” This is White Claw’s greatest scam, really– beyond the 400 or so words it is now living rent-free in within this blog. If a beverage needs to be diluted heavily with beverages of better quality, than it is not a good beverage. Nobody says: “You would be much more fun to hang out with if you ripped your friend’s chest open, crawled inside of them, and controlled them from the inside like a flesh puppet.” No. That would make you an un-fun friend to hang out with at parties, and an especially bad beverage concoction. Just like White Claw!
This is not to say, however, that I don’t consistently drink White Claw. Why else would there be a variety pack in my refrigerator? Like any other media-adjacent content machine, I am extremely susceptible to peer pressure, especially when directed at me by fellow Jezebel comrades. They might be cowards not brave enough to air their dirty, secret White Claw indiscretions in public, but not me! I am here to crucify myself publicly as a fraud and a hypocrite, gladly, because I love attention and get off on drama of my own making.
Anyway, I’d recommend pouring your last White Claw out to honor it’s death. But, if you’re feeling especially vindictive, pour it over the graves of your enemies instead!