Somebody Has To Say It: These Female Creatures Are Grotesquely Fat

I know — there’s to be none of that wretched “bodysnarking” over here, even on days when the usual editors are off. BUT SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS: these females make you all look bad if they are being photographed in not-so-perfect shape.

Like this piece of shit. I didn’t know it was possible for a cat to have a FUPA. (But I guess if we are talking about cats, here, this is redundant.) But can someone please keep this thing away from the Tender Vittles and show her fat ass how to run on a treadmill? Chop-chop, princess!

Here’s a tip, sweetie: lose the leash. It accentuates your neck rolls. And I know the green ones are in style this season, but those only look good on poodles with long necks. You? Not so much. And do you have kankles? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? Lose 20 pounds and maybe you’ll be as hot as you think you are.

Oh, aren’t you all pretty with your multi-colored wings and sleek-looking head? Yeah, well a fancy-looking head still won’t hide that belly, missy. Can you even fucking fly? I bet you’re one of those bitches who just waddles around mouthing-off to other birds about how you’re “trying to be a penguin” and shit. Yeah, well, fuck that. I know your kind. Lay off the fucking earthworms and eat some goddamn dried leaves or something.

Oh, you poor thing. Who told you you were in good enough shape to go sunbathing naked? Not me, that’s for sure. What’s your diet? Baby dolphins? I bet you can’t even wipe whatever part you’re supposed to wipe with those jiggly haunches. Oh, and, ever hear of an orthodontist? You should get one. Immediately.

You fucking cow. What’s that grass made of that you’re eating, Häagen-Dazs? Spend more time power-walking in the meadow and don’t graze so much. Just stick to licking the flies off your dirty asshole for a few weeks and then we’ll talk. Disgusting.