Some Thoughts About the Seventh Telephone

Image via Apple. Badge by Sam Woolley.
Image via Apple. Badge by Sam Woolley.

I have heard that there is a lot of hype around the seventh-ish version of Apple’s telephone. I’m sorry to be so frank, but I don’t understand why every technology website (including Gizmodo) is covering it. Actually, telephones have existed for hundreds of years.

Apparently it has two cameras. Two cameras? I have two cameras in my camera sack. Next. Oh, it’s gotten rid of its headphone jack in favor of “Bluetooth”? Yawn. Call me when it transmits straight to my brain via Braintooth. “Air pods?” More like pods I’m going to lose immediately but not be sad that I lost.


Here are some advances that would impress me:

  • A built-in robot to tell me I am doing well and should feel confident.
  • A retractable urine stick that will test for pregnancy, drugs, and other chemicals.
  • A bit of water in a pouch that I can drink if I’m ever feeling thirsty.
  • A little extendable tongue for performing oral sex on demand.
  • It does all the things a phone does, but it’s a cat.

And then this Apple Watch. Who needs to improve the technology of a watch? Also, who even wants to wear a digital watch even if it is ceramic and water-proof? What am I, a smart middle schooler? What am I, a dad popping into a Starbucks? What am I, a New Jersey teen going out in the city? What am I, officiating a race?

My rating:

iPhone 7: 1 big “boo”
Apple Watch Series 2: What am I?

Thank you for reading Joanna’s Ratings.

Senior Editor, Jezebel

Share This Story

Get our `newsletter`