Some Job Suggestions for the Soon-to-be-Broke U.S. Government

The government's running out of money again. Maybe it could sell some panties on OnlyFans?

By Megan Reynolds | September 28, 2021 | 6:25pm

Politics

Some Job Suggestions for the Soon-to-be-Broke U.S. Government

Wonderful news out of the nation’s capital: it seems that if the government doesn’t get its act together pretty soon, it will run out of money by October 18. CNN reports that Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen issued a stern warning that if Congress doesn’t raise the debt ceiling, we will be forced to contend with a shutdown—by now, a familiar story that we’ve seen play out before, but in times less fraught and stressful than they are now.

Basically, if the government doesn’t figure out a way to raise the nation’s borrowing limit, the government will be forced to default on their loans, which will effect the lives of Americans in the short-term as well as the long term.

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From CNN:

If the Treasury defaults and the impasse drags on, the federal government would have to enact “devastating” spending cuts that would cause a “cataclysmic” situation for the economy, Moody’s Analytics warned this week.

Moody’s estimates nearly 6 million jobs would be lost, the unemployment rate would spike back to nearly 9% and stock prices would plummet by one-third, wiping out about $15 trillion in household wealth.

Failure to raise the debt ceiling in time could halt payments that millions of Americans rely on, including paychecks to federal workers, Medicare benefits, military salaries, tax refunds, Social Security checks and payments to federal contractors.

This is certainly not the kind of news anyone wants to hear, but the takeaway that everyone’s ignoring from Yellen’s strict warning is as follows: if the government is really running out of money, so much so that they cannot repay their debts or provide valuable services that Americans depend on for survival, then it sounds like they need to get off their lazy ass and get a goddamn job.

There are plenty of jobs out there that are in desperate need of employees, and while the government itself is an entity and not an individual and is therefore incapable of going out into the world and getting an actual job, some of the suggested jobs below are viable options for the people that make up the government. It’s time for lawmakers to give back to the people they serve, which means setting aside infighting and personal agendas in favor of doing some work that will help this godforsaken country keep its fucking lights on.

Some useful suggestions for temporary employment are below.

Raking Leaves

Once upon a time, entrepreneurial young children could make good money by wandering the streets of their neighborhoods armed with a rake, some contractor’s bags, and a lot of gumption. Arguably, the members of Congress are rich in gumption or at the very least, moxie. Additionally, they can do hard labor. Raking leaves? Nice work if you can get it, and honestly, right now, you probably can.

Learn to Code

Listen, if Karlie Kloss says that learning to code is the is the key to success, then I don’t see why the government can’t learn HTML.

A Lemonade Stand!

The small children in my neighborhood occasionally peddle lemonade from the stoop of their parent’s very nice townhouses, and occasionally, as I slink by these children in my garbage clothing on my way to the grocery store, I will buy a tepid paper cup full of tart sugar water because I proudly support local businesses. Imagine the possibilities and personal branding opportunities for every member of Congress if they were to take to the streets of the nation’s capital peddling their wares. Personally, I would not buy Mitch McConnell’s lemonade, but I imagine that there are some people out there who would.

Become a barista

A good way to reacquaint yourself with the notion of really working for money is to steam milk for three hours during the morning rush at the Peet’s Coffee in the Embarcadero Center. It will leave you smelling like sour milk, and your spirit will be enriched by the generosity, patience, and kindness of humanity, as demonstrated by the entitled attitudes of commuters coming off the ferry from Marin, desperate for a cappuccino.

Drive a Bus

Here’s a good job for the shiny man who loves transportation and all it entails: toot toot and beep beep, Pete Buttigieg, this is how you’ll do your part!

Poshmark : )

Finally, a good way for the members of Congress who draped themselves in kente cloth and took a knee for police brutality to sell said kente cloth without guilt. Better than throwing it away!

There’s a peg for every hole! Cast the net wide, drop it low and buss it for the sake of the country, and we will all reap the rewards.