Solidarity! Orcas Are Sinking the Rich

Are you considering spending your summer sipping sangria somewhere off the Iberian coast in a small but tasteful yacht? First of all, congrats on living an enviable life of luxury. Second, beware the comrade orcas.

What’s that? You aren’t aware of the marine compatriots working in unison to ram and sink boats across Europe’s coasts? Pour another glass of that sangria and let me tell you all about it.

Like many dissent movements, this one starts with a fed up woman. White Gladis is her name, and she is an orca. Marine experts believe White Gladis experienced a “critical moment of agony” with a boat, perhaps being hit by its rudder, that traumatized her. This was the villain origin story that appears to have set off her Kill Bill style revenge plot. She began ramming into boats’ rudders. No barefooted yacht dweller was safe in her wake.

But White Gladis wasn’t acting alone. See, orcas are highly social creatures, so much so that when a handful of them witnessed WG absolutely pop off, it radicalized them, and they began to imitate her behavior. Since Spring 2020, there have been 500 accounts of orcas acting aggressively to boats’ rudders, biting, ramming into, and breaking them. The calfs even began practicing on smaller boats to work their way up, hopefully one day, to capsizing a superyacht with a sculpture of Lauren Sanchez on the bow. Three boats have sunk. The resistance is rising!

Alfredo López Fernandez, a biologist at the University of Aveiro in Portugal, explained to Live Science that while experts “do not interpret that the orcas are teaching the young…the behavior has spread to the young vertically, simply by imitation, and later horizontally among them, because they consider it something important in their lives.” What I’m gleaning from this is that orcas are being conditioned by one rebellious leader to eat, or rather, sink the rich.

Earlier this month, three orcas banded together to sink a Swiss yacht named… “Champagne.” Luckily everyone was safely rescued, but I mean come on! These militant orcas have a clear agenda! Nature is speaking out against the 1%! I think we’re days away from Bernie Sanders issuing a statement of support. Next time I find myself at sea, I’m going to toss a laminated copy of The Communist Manifesto into their waters to show that I come in peace. Solidarity, comrade orcas!