So, Why Do We Think Prince Philip’s Will Was Sealed for 90 Years?

As you have probably all read by now, a judge in London has decided to seal Prince Philip’s will from the public for the next 90 years, People reports. In explaining his reason for doing so, Sir Andrew McFarlane, the president of the Family Division of the High Court, claimed that it was to protect the “dignity” of Queen Elizabeth II, who was married to the late Royal from 1947 all the way up until his death in April of this year.

“I have held that, because of the constitutional position of the Sovereign [i.e., Ms. Liz], it is appropriate to have a special practice in relation to royal wills,” said McFarlane in a written statement on Thursday, per BBC News. “There is a need to enhance the protection afforded to truly private aspects of the lives of this limited group of individuals in order to maintain the dignity of the Sovereign and close members of her family.”

“I accepted the submission that, whilst there may be public curiosity as to the private arrangements that a member of the Royal Family may choose to make in their will [fucking duh], there is no true public interest in the public knowing this wholly private information,” he added—incorrectly, in my opinion!!

So if McFarlane made the decision to seal Prince Philip’s will to “maintain the dignity” of Queen Elizabeth and the rest of the Royal Family, what exactly contained therein might threaten their collective dignities, as fragile as they apparently must be? I have a few ideas, each more humiliating than the last. For one, he might have bequeathed (lmao) a bunch of money to his aLlEgEd secret lovechildren. Alternate theory: Prince Philip collected Funko Pops and used his will to dole them out amongst his dependents, so the Crown is trying to keep the public from learning of such shame… What do you think?