Cancel culture has robbed our American culture of so much: maxidresses, that one Christmas song nobody really likes, and now the time-honored American cinematic tradition of someone approaching 30 pretending to be a high school on a newspaper assignment or to promote their Instagrams. Quite frankly, I fear for the future of American rom-coms and/or buddy cop movie reboot franchises.
The AP reports that a 28-year-old Miami woman was trying to Never Been Kissed her way into more Instagram followers by handing out flyers at a local high school before they arrested her for burglary, interfering with a school function, and resisting arrest but not, I guess, for really failing to blend in:
“Francisquini started handing out pamphlets printed with her Instagram account after sneaking onto the campus around 8:30 a.m. Monday, police said. She had a black backpack and carried a skateboard as she walked through the hallways, recording herself.”
Authorities say that when asked what she was doing, Francisquini said she was looking for the registration office but did not, in fact, register for high school and eat a bucket of coleslaw to become popular like Josie Grossie’s cool older brother. Instead, she simply continued wandering the halls hyping up her social media account with paper flyers for some reason, a sure sign that a person is not Gen Z. School security officers then “attempted to catch up” with the woman, who had left. However, vigilant detectives worthy of a spot on the Jump Street squad were able to crack the case by simply looking at the Instagram account the woman was promoting and then using it to find her home before arresting her there.
Look, I’m not proposing that we do not apprehend and prosecute adults who attempt to pretend to be children at schools for any reason, whether to report on a young Jessica Alba’s wild behavior while inadvertently grooming a child and exposing a very problematic teacher, busting Dave Franco’s drug ring, or simply to promote Instagram accounts. I’m just saying, to partially quote a very wise fictional high school student, until mankind is peaceful enough not to have grownups impersonating high schoolers on the news, there’s no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.