Monday night in London, some of global fashion's most luminous congregated upon the London Coliseum to celebrate "British designers and creatives" and their "creativity and success." But despite London having the most interesting of the four main corpo fashion weeks and British street style being the best in the West, the offerings were, daresay, disappointingly tame.
The best looks were sleeker versions of their wearers' regular style, making me believe that all the rumors about Brits and being posh and like, upper class warfare being all about what is mannersy and proper are true. I'm not usually a fan of Alexa Chung's tweeass steez, but her Emilia Wickstead gown was a lovely balance of buttoned-up and leggy, though I'm still not sure how to feel about the Charlotte Olympia clutches modeled on take-out cartons. Naomi Campbell, with W magazine style director Edward Enninful, chose a gown with detailing that seemed to extend from her hair, a witchy moment from a witchy lady. Karolina Kurkova has an unfair advantage on account of being Karolina Kurkova, but that asymmetrical Viktor & Rolf frock is the perfect shade of coral-red for her skin tone, and the matching shoes and lip knocked it out the park. Meanwhile, Rihanna wore a Stella McCartney tuxedo jacket as dress—a look she's rocked plenty before (and in Stella!) but which transitioned perfectly for a formal event if you are Rihanna. All hail the return of the sheer black pantyhose, be they Wolford or Leggs!.
UGH Ellie Goulding: the pain of it all. She's such a talent, an excellent performer, and so beautiful, yet 57% of the time it's like what the fuck do you have on your body, girl. This brocade gown is far too mother-of-the-bride and it's hurting my face.
Also, I know that Charlotte Gainsbourg's whole thing is being carefree and French and Serge and Jane's daughter and shit, but the heavy black dress and boots are too heavy for this shiny mini and its dubious hem ruffle. Marc Jacobs did this to you, didn't he? Mortal enemy.
Brazilian fashion blogger Lise Grendene is actually wearing the cutest summer romper, only it is not summer in London and I lied, I do kind of want a tad bit of dressy-uppiness for this event. Also, matching your Ernest Hemingway to your ensemble is the most cloying style-blogger cliché type thing I can conjure, and lowkey fills me with rage for the style-blogging-clichés we have all been weathering for the past several years. UGH.
Actress Naomi Harris is the most beautiful, but once again the overrated Peter Pilotto duo comes through with some arts-and-crafts-ass paisley scenario and tries to convince us that the pattern is elevated even though it looks suspiciously familiar...
Dude, Alice Temperley, get real with all that busy-ass Pamela Des Barres business, but it's better than Annabelle Wallis' intense fur paired with a fruit salad. (A balanced meal, at least!) Nicole Scherzinger with pro-racecar-driver beau Lewis Hamilton looks like she is cousin of the mother of the bride of the same wedding Ellie Goulding is going to. Alternately, Lana del Rey and new tourmate Courtney Love arrived straight from the late-'80s themed slumber party they were enjoying. Cannot imagine what Renzo Rosso, fashion mastermind and textile trazillionaire, is thinking at this moment.
THE PANTSUITS, THOUGH. The pantsuits were tops, and I'm really happy we're seeing them so frequently on red carpets. (Imagine if every woman at the Oscars was like fuckit and wore pants? IMAGINE THOUGH?!) Jewelry designer Anya Hindmarch, actress Ashley Madekwe, singer Jessie Ware and token man Harry Styles showed it in varying degrees of fit, pattern, formality and sexiness. Hopefully Ashley Madekwe left the festivities in some kind of baby-blue 1967 roadster, and drove it all the way to London.
Also nearing perfection, and variations on the same theme: Emma Watson and Posh Spice aka Victoria Beckham. You think Becks was mad they were kinda matchy? Probably, but you know we'd never know it.
Here's what I'm talking about this unfamiliar posh tip: fashion blogger Susie Lau, aka Susie Bubble, wore the cutest rocker-inspired Meadham Kirchhoff dress, but if this weren't being held in the upper-crust equivalent of library you know she would have been wearing like three to seven more patterns along with it (that's why we love her!).
THE DRESS HEARD ROUND THE WORLD: Anna Wintour wore John Galliano for Martin Maison Margiela, the first entry the public has seen since the "renegade" designer has taken over for the storied fashion house. That shit inspired entire columns and sparked what-does-it-all-mean jitters, but Wintour's daughter Bee Shaffer was like, hi, gold lamé. Also: so many toes in this flick.
Supes plus one: Cara Delevingne received the Model of the Year Award for obvious reasons, and was flanked by her sister Poppy and fellow bigtime supermodels Joan Smalls and Karlie Kloss. Cara looked faded. Cara: don't ever change.
For the OG Kate Moss, though, it was: NO PAPS.
Images via Getty